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MAD STICKERS! THE THIRD ANNUAL COLLECTION OF

... along with the usual bombs and other acts of idiocy from past issues in

T H E T H I R D A N N U A L EDITION O F

M A D FOLLIES
ON SALE NOW AT YOUR NEAREST MAGAZINE S T A N D - A N D ALSO AT SOME FARAWAY ONES!
NUMBER 101 MARCH 1 9 6 6 VITAL FEATURES

THE
MAD
'Thinking' is what happens when you finally close your mouth and SUBURBAN
your head starts talking sense to itself!"—Alfred E. Neuman PRIMER
Pg.4

WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor

JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGLiN associate editors
MARTIN J . SCHEIMAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GRILLO Subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots VOYAGE TO
SEE WHAT'S
ON THE
BOTTOM
Pg.13
DEPARTMENTS
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Shopping 22
DIRTY BIRDS DEPARTMENT
The Sinpiper (A MAD Movie Satire) 43
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT THE
At The Elevators 11 LIGHTER
One Day In The Pasture 26 SIDE OF
SHOPPING
Another Great Bank Robbery 48 Pg.22
FRIGHTENING DEVELOPMENTS DEPARTMENT
The MAD Suburban Primer 4
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy 19, 38
LAME-BRAIN GAMES DEPARTMENT
MAD's Puzzle Page 32
BADGE
LAW ENFARCEMENT DEPARTMENT AND
Badge And Billy Magazine 27 BILLY
LETTERS DEPARTMENT MAGAZINE
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 Pg.27
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
Drawn-Out Dramas **
SUB-STANDARD DEPARTMENT
Voyage To See What's On The Bottom (A MAD TV S a t i r e ) . . . . 13
SUMMA CUM LAZY DEPARTMENT
College Programs To Develop Masters Of Mediocrity 39 COLLEGE PROGRAMS
THE PLOY'S THE THING DEPARTMENT TO DEVELOP
MASTERS OF
Intimidations And Antidotes 34 MEDIOCRITY
VERSE OF THE PEOPLE DEPARTMENT Pg.39
A MAD Treasury Of Unknown Poetry 20
VIDEO A GO GO DEPARTMENT
When Teenagers Take Over TV Completely 8
**Various Places Around The Magazine

THE
SINPIPER
MAD—March 1966 V o l . 1 , Number 1 0 1 , is published monthly except February, May, August and Novem- (MOVIE
ber, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid
at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 7 issues $2.00 or 21 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A.;
SATIRE)
7 issues $2.50 or 21 issues $6.25. Allow 8 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire con- Pg.43
tents copyright S 1965 by E. C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors w i l l not be responsible for
unsolicited manuscripts and request a l l manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return
envelope. The names of characters used in a l l M A D fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity
without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A.
 ARE YOU BUGGED BY THE LITTLE For years, we've been getting certain types of letters. In fact, we're up to here with certain
types of letters. Mainly-cute, clever, "original" letters that nobody ever thought of before,
MONSTERS WHO PLUCK EVERY COPY and that we'd ordinarily never print in this Letter Page. But just this once, so you can suffer
OFF THE NEWSSTANDS? with them the way we've suffered, we'd like to present some excerpts from the thousands of...

LETTERS WE COULD SURE DO WITHOUT

mad bug by baggi

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AND YOU CAN

NOW-YOU CAN BUILD "CUSTOMIZE"
HIM INTO SOME
ALFRED E. NEUMAN NUTTY POSES!
MAD'S "What Me Worry" Kid Extra "snap-in" arms and
signs allow you to pose
him in various attitudes,
W I T H AURORA'S JUVftT}
each one sure to get you
a laugh-or more likely,
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CRAZY NEW Like f'rinstance these 4:

W H A T - M E WORRY? K I T !
 EDITOR'S NOTE
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TWENTY-THREE
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STORES
KifH FRIGHTENING DEVELOPMENTS DEPT.

What does the term "Affluent Society" mean to you? Aw—

go ahead! Take a guess! Nobody will laugh! You're among
friends! What? Is that what you think it means? HA-HA!
(If you learn nothing else from this article, you have
to trust your friends!) Now, here is—
just learned not

Lesson 1.

THE HOUSE

mw®m See the beautiful big house.

It is a very expensive big house.
Its owner can afford to be very proud.
In fact, pride is all that its owner can afford now!
The house is peaceful and quiet.
That's because no one in the suburbs ever stays home!
Father is out playing golf.

MM
Mother is out playing cards.
And the children are sleeping at Grandma's house
Back in the city.
The only sound in the house
Is the pitter-patter of little feet.
m
wi3 mmm mmm
The house is being
OB C robbed
U A R K E by a small —
burglar!
; _ —

Lesson 3.

JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
There is much juvenile delinquency in the suburbs.
Parents are always shocked to find their children
In a Police Station.
They don't even recognize them.
That's because they haven't seen them for 6 months!
Parents never know why kids go wrong.
"I've given her everything," one mother says.
"A mink stole, a sport car, a charge account,
Formal parties, a vacation in Europe . . ."
"What more," the mother cries,
"Can a girl of 9 want?"

"The trouble is
Our youngsters don't do anything constructive,"
The mothers complain to each other.
The problem preys on their minds.
They discuss it every day among themselves.
Right before their Mah Jongg games.
Lesson 2.

THE LESSONS
Children in the suburbs are kept very busy.
They are forced to take many lessons.
Lessons on how to dance.
Lessons on how to act and speak.
Lessons on how to play musical instruments.
What does the suburban child learn at these lessons?
He learns that he is pleasing his parents!
Too bad he cannot take lessons
On how to be a child!

Suburban children must be a credit to their parents.

They must not lie.
They must not cheat.
They must not steal.
Poor suburban children.
They are so unprepared for the adult world!
Lesson 7. Some people have this problem solved.
They bring a young girl over from Sweden
To be their maid.
HOUSEHOLD HELP It sounds like a very clever idea
Thought up by a very clever husband.
See the woman hiding in the bushes.
She is a kidnapper.
She is trying to kidnap
Her neighbor's maid.
A maid is very important in the suburbs.
She is the child's second mother.
The first mother
Is the nurse.

Some maids are a problem.

Some maids stay on the telephone for hours,
Or sleep all afternoon,
Or drink.
This keeps the woman of the house
so busy checking her maid
That the woman has no time
To stay on the telephone for hours,
Or sleep all afternoon,
Or drink.
Lesson 6. Someday, he will have enough money
To put himself through Medical School
And become a Doctor.
PARENTAL SUPERVISION His mother will beam with pride
As she drives him on his rounds
In the suburbs, some parents In her Cadillac.
Try to teach their children real values.
One youngster has a newspaper route.
His mother beams with pride
As she drives him on his rounds
In her Cadillac.

She deposits the money he makes in the bank. JL

Last week, he made $4.80.
Sometimes she adds to it
To make the deposit a round number.
Last week, she added $95.20.
She wants him to know what it feels like
To earn his own money.

Lesson 8.
WHY THE SUBURBS?
"Why do people move to the suburbs?" you ask.
"We do it for our children!" the parents answer.
That's why they buy a big $50,000 house-
Because what child could possibly be happy in less!
That's why they join an exclusive Country Club—
Which doesn't allow dogs or children!
That's why they hire gardeners to fix the lawn
So it looks pretty-
Too pretty for children to play on!
That's why they build finished basements—
So the children can't play there either
Because they might scratch the fancy bar
Or scuff the grownups' pool table!

Isn't it wonderful to be a child in the suburbs?

Think about all the poor children in the slums.
They live in such terrible homes
That they can sit in the living room
Any time they want!
 VIDEO A GO GO DEPT,
For many years, TV was geared to the 12-year-old mind. Lately, however, there's been a big change.
Today, television is geared to the i 3-year-old mind. In other words, it's geared to the teenager.
F'rinstance, there are shows that are obviously directed at teenagers, like "Shindig" and "Hulla-

COOKING SHOWS
When Teenagers Take ^Mw ARTIST: JACK
WRITER: RICKARD
LARRYSIEGEL

Hi, there gang! Ready for today's Next, we top it off with whipped Well, kids—so much for that great
Special Dish? Okay—here we g o - cream, a cherry and some anchovies. Teenage Breakfast! Tomorrow, I'll
Then we heat and cool simultaneously show you how to make a fabulous
First we take two pounds of flour. and you've got a really scrumptious Teenage Lunch!
Then we add hot tomatoes, chopped Chocolate Marshmallow Pizza Sundae!
meatballs, pistachio ice cream,
chocolate syrup and marshmallows.

EVENING SERMONETTES
For my teenage sermon this evening, I refer to the Book of Bank,
and that very, very wise and very, very old man, Elvis Presley—
who is now well past 30. Elvis begat Rock 'n Roll, and Rock 'n SPORTS SHOWS
Roll begat The Twist, and The Twist begat The Monkey. And it came
to pass that Col. Tom Parker said unto Elvis and the Children of
Welcome once again to "The Wide World of Teenage
Memphis, "In 1966, we shall do what we did in 1965. For in 1965
Sports". This is Jim McKay, speaking to you from
we made millions of dollars. So we must heed the word of them
The Malibu Drive-In Theatre, where the exciting
great big fat Profits and continue to swing . . ."
"Make-Out Derby" is now in progress . . .
•

balloo" . . . and then there are those that are subtly directed at teenagers, like "Prime Evening
Time". However, there are still some areas of television that have not as yet been monopolized by
the teenagers. But don't worry, gang, this won't last long. Because here's what we'll be seeing . ..

Over TV COMPLETELY
REGULAR NEWS PROGRAMS

In the "Number-One" spot on today's

In Washington today, the "Medicare "Top-Forty-Wars" chart is that great
For Acne" law was declared to be favorite brought to you by Lyndon and
In Egypt today, a famous teenage
Unconstitutionalsville by Earl The Dreamers! Dig you later, Chet . . .
archaeologist announced—quote—We
Warren and The Supremes! Chet. . .
can learn a lot from The Pharoahs,
but we can learn even more from Sam Cool it, David!

And then, from there, we're going to Chicago and Bill Flemming for the
From here, we're going to switch you 'Teenage Decathalon Championships", in which versatile teenagers will
to the East and Curt Gowdy for "The compete in a series of ten sports including Smoking, Drinking and
Boston LP Record-Buying Marathon"— other Kicks. Recording stars "Sheldon and The Four Acnes" will be on
hand to throw out the first Goof-Ball. And from there—
 WEATHER SHOWS SPECIAL N E W S BULLETINS
We interrupt this program to bring you a
Well, it's still raining like crazy here in
Special Teenage News Bulletin . . . In Vietnam,
the Mid-West today . . . the Mississippi River
today, Jerry and The Pacemakers—who were
is overflowing its banks . . . and once again,
entertaining troops there—were told to tone
it's Spring Flood-time! So come on down to
down the sound of their music. Seems that
Missouri, guys and gals . . . AND BRING YOUR
nobody could hear the war!
SURFBOARDS!!

y
M
>"•
<•*!
f^
X .^.

X'

SOAP OPERAS
Tell me, Younger Was it a
It's time once again
Dr. Malone—how benign
for "Younger Dr. Malone,
is my teenage She's going to be all tumor?
Teenage Surgeon" . . .
daughter? right, Mrs. Keebler.
I just removed a
growth from her ear! I

EXERCISE SHOWS
O n e - t w o - C O M BAN D-TEASE! Now, tomorrow, we'll
All right, k i d s - We take the comb like
today, we're going
to do a typical
Teenage Hand and
Wrist Exercise—
u this . . . and then we
COMB-AND-TEASE . .
COMB-AND—TEASE . .
Got that? Good! Now,
Three-fou r-COM BAN D-TEASE!
Five—and—six—keep it up!
Seven—eight—Very good!
do a Hand and Wrist
Hair-Combing Exercise
for GIRLS!!

HAIR COMBING! We'll do it to Music!

Ready...? Go . . .
\£J
 SUB-STANDARD DEPT.
Okay, TV fans, sit back and get ready for MAD's version of that weekly underwater adventure
series, complete with sea thrills, sea sights, sea monsters, and plenty of "C" dialogue:

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: "THE ATTACK OF THE 1000 FOOT GLOP"

^ ?m±^gm
Attention! Attention!
This is Admiral Neilsen
speaking! Enemy ships
Ian your battle stations
Man your battle stations!
ow many times
have I told you never RSls^
Blow all main ballast tanks to bother me when I'm
ipproaching, ten points and take her down . . . or in the middle of an
baft the starboard beam is it blow all main ballast enemy attack! Now you
.. whatever that means! tanks and take her up? poiled the whole thin;

|tteuc)<g?|

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

-ir
But you told me Very well. But you stay What's That's even more insubordinate Very well!
to notify you here and mind the boats this? than sleeping! Send him down- And when
as soon as the in the exact positions Bernard stairs to his bed without his But sir! You that's over,
diver came back they're in now. The pink has fallen dinner! Er— I mean send him don't understand! let's try
with the samples one is mine, and the one asleep below to his bunk without his He's dead! He to find the
of the ocean that doesn't float too while chow! (I must try to remember suddenly gasped cause of
floor—and he's well is the enemy. And on duty! ? to use all those funny for air and died! his death!
waiting for to add interest, I'm nautical terms!) We should have an
you on Lower making believe that a autopsy performed
Deck B. those suds are a big on him immediately!
tidal wave.
 Admiral, we're And that's not going to be easy, Leak! That's
going to have going to take some hard thinking. B u t . . . the
to pinpoint the machine can help. —Scrambler section, ON!
exact spot —Feed-back Modulator, GREEN! —All Circuitry
where Bernard Systems, GO! —SRM Control, FULL! —Service
met with Window, UP!
disaster!

-£>k
ttfiS
Sir, how about the Fail Safe Happy Birthday Shut Now hear this! This is the Admiral! If I told
Memory Tape Device? That's kept track to you . . . that you once, I told you a thousand times, no one
of every command you've given since Happy Birthday thing is to play with the Fail-Safe Memory Device!
the Sea Pew was put into commission. to you . .. off! Didn't we get into enough trouble last month -
It must have a record of the course Happy Birthday when the President asked to hear a recording j^j
you set when Bernard left the dear... of a nuclear sub in action, and we sent him
escape hatch! a four-hour version of "SWEET VIOLETS"?
The entire Sea Pew, I'm afraid
trapped by a giant I'm going
Jellyfish—and we're to scream—
500 miles from land! HELP! HELP!
.
How Well, there's a case Sir, would Not an On
long can on record of picking it help any I doubt it! S-A-L-E, second
Now you just sit there and watch your
a man go up a man who had if we had What could we Admiral! thought,
Admiral's ingenuity at work. First I
without gone 14 days without a sail? sell? And who I mean an it won't
rip the shirt off my back for the sail
food or food or water! would come S-l-A-L! be... itself. . . then I pull some hairs from
water, all the way my chest and knot them together for
Sir? out here to thread . . . Oooh! Owww! Ouch . . . ! !
shop, anyway?

Yes, Sir I tell you, We've got

That Captain, that to catch it
Now, I unwind some of the But how in
rescue our sub was so we can
wire that holds my upper the world
ship swallowed up Purple, get the
plate in position—and does one
behind whole by a eh? Sea Pew
use it to attach the sail go about
you! 1000 foot Hmmmmm! back!
to the mast! I may slobber catching a
a bit, Leak—but have you Jellyfish-a Evidently
monstrous 1000 foot
ever seen anything that a GRAPE
purple thing Jellyfish?
gave you more confidence? Jellyfish!

aaivv:
Sir, this Admiral Knucklehead— Well, Leak! Here Still in
radiogram
What Submarine
er—Neilsen and we are on the 1WII TV1*- drydock?
just came Commander Leak have "Son of Sea Pew" Well, your Then how come
does Command I see water
in from been ordered home to —and if my calculations Because you're
that Headquarters out of that
SubCom-H.Q. pick up their new sub, calculations are are a bit looking at the
mean? Admiral! porthole?
"Son of Sea Pew". correct, we're off, Sir, Crew's front-
Their mission: to back in the area because loading washing-
destroy the Jellyfish where we lost our we're still machine!
and get their old old sub . . . in drydock!
sub back.
 You're wrong, Yes, my boy, you Sir! We're No, Leak! It can wait. As master
Oh! Well, you
I understand, sir. Leak—I've were wise in coming in the area of this sub, I was about to
take command
I'll try not to outgrown to me for advice. of the lost marry my Ken and Barbie dolls—
and call me
disturb you until playing with I can fully understand sub, and—Oh, but business before pleasure.
when we get
it's necessary. I toy boats! your feelings toward I'm sorry! I'm Let's go to the back of the boat
there! I'm
know you'll want It was just the young lady, and interrupting where all the knobs and things
going to my
to play with your a phase! I'll help in any w a y - something... are—I mean, let's go aft to
cabin!
boats. Master C o n t r o l . . .

Turn on the Boy, the echo in There it is! And You took the red Well, give me the
Forward here is incredible! there's only one phone for your emergency phone . . .
Peek-a-tron! I wish I knew how way to get rid of cabin, sir! You Hello, Atomic Reactor
to yodel! that Jellyfish! I said it matched Room? We're going to
want full atomic the bedspread! ram that Jellyfish!
power! Give me want full power!
the red phone to
the atomic
reactor room!!
 Collision Stations! Leak! I know every Good! If anyone needs
Collision Stations! Admiral, how come you square inch of this me, I'll be right here
I'm aiming right for always assume the ocean like I know . . . in the Captain's
the center of its correct course without the back of this Closet! You can cal
I got news for
Nervous System! consulting any charts left hand of mine! me when it's over!
you Admiral!
Come to or instruments or That's your
course 279! stars? RIGHT hand!

a
JOKE-AND-DAGGER DEPT. PART I
 VERSE OF THE PEOPLE DEPT. The Rush Hour Drive Of Enoch Pry
by Henry Woodwork Stoutfellow
Once again, MAD opens its pages t o struggling young
poets whose work shows merit, but who might forever Listen, my children, while I decry
remain in obscurity were it not for dedicated pub- The rush-hour drive of Enoch Pry.
lications like this one that'll print any kind of trash, On the eighteenth of April at half-past-five;
regardless of the consequences. Thus, without copping Hardly a man remains alive
Who picks such a time to reach Tenafly.
any further pleas, we present the latest edition o f . . .
He called up his wife from the heart of town
And said, "I'm bucking the rush hour jam.
THE I just hope dinner's not all burned down
While I on the opposite shore still am."
Then he said, "Good night!" and he flipped a dime,.

MAD
Trusting to fate at this rush hour time.
Heads, he'd choose tunnel; tails, he'd choose bridge. ,
Not that it mattered; both led to Glen Ridge. (
The rest of the story makes bravest men bawl.
fff.
A wrong turn in Englewood started it all.

TREASURY Then bumper to bumper as night followed day,

Onward drove Enoch, though bound the wrong way.
Through Newark, through Bayonne, with growing alarm;
No off-ramps at Middlesex, village or farm. r p <•
j t|

OF Near Trenton at midnight, he gave his last cry.

No one heard the message; monoxide pnt P r v
y/f^i

UNKNOWN
POETRY
Volume IV
A R T I S T : JACK R I C K A R D
W R I T E R : T O M KOCH

When I Was Teen-And-Seven My Son, The Fuyitive

by A. E. Houseboat by Mrs. David Janssen, Senior
LV

^ "O where ha'e ye been, Dave Janssen, my son?

When I was teen-and-seven, **=• O where ha'e ye been, my handsome young man?"
I heard a salesman say, "I've been out on location; I star on TV;
"Give me your dimes and dollars But I'm weary wi' running, and fain wald lie down."
And I'll give this Nash away.
Give me your watch and key chain, "In the script you're a runner, Dave Janssen, my son?
Then climb behind the wheel." 'Tis the tale of a track meet, my handsome young man?"
Well, being teen-and-seven, "No, Ma. I'm no track star. I'm just on the lam,
I quickly closed the deal. But I'm weary wi' running, and fain wald he down."

When still but teen-and-seven, "You're fleeing from justice, Dave Janssen, my son?
I heard him say again, 'Tis the fuzz that pursues thee, my handsome young man?"
"Trade that wreck for an Edsel; "It's just part of the story; a bum rap besides,
Gain status among men. But I'm weary wi' running, and fain'wald lie down."
Give me your Nash and fifty,
For years of driving fun." "All crooks plead not guilty, Dave Janssen, my son.
Well, I'm still teen-and-seven So I'm phoning the sheriff, my handsome young man."
But the Edsel's ceased to run. -CC2,'
"Drop that phone or I'll plug you; you'll wreck my career.
You'll just never dig Show Biz, so go and lie down."
 7
Wilt The Stilt rosty Reflections On A Winter's Eventng
by Barnyard Klipping by Robert "Frosty" Flaksnag

You can laugh an' 'ave your kicks

When you play the New York Knicks,
For a free throw missed tonight can never 'urt you.
But when it comes to slaughter
Near the Delaware's blue water,
Then that smile upon your face'll soon desert you.
Though they say the Boston Celts
Are the ones '11 get your pelts, Whose Buick's this? How should we know?
An' no mother's son alive can guard Bill Russell; The keys are there. Hop in. Let's go.
It's a coach's nightmare dream We hear the village cops below.
Just to think of Philly's team, They're closing in, so leave us blow. W I
An' Wilt Chamberlain who'll kill you least you 'ustle.
The road is clear; the hour is late;
'E's a terror, Wilt The Stilt, So speed right past that turnpike gate.
For there's scarce a 'ardwood tilt They may jot down the license plate,
Where 'e doesn't peel your 'ide by dunkin' forty. But what care we? It's not our crate.
I've 'acked Pettit at 'is best;
Elbowed Naulls an' Jerry West; This heap's got pickup. Man alive!
But you don't stop seven-footers wi' "Hey, Shorty!' It cruises at ninety-five.
Got tinted glass and power drive;
When the referees are slack, Electric ash trays, all that jive.
I've climbed 'alfway up Wilt's back,
And that's quite a bloomin' climb the way that 'e's built. The seats are comfy, soft and deep,
Though my fouling's never ceased, ^ But we've a zig-zag course to keep.
I just 'eard I've been released To shake the cops before we sleep.
'Cause 'e's a taller man than I am, Wilt The Stilt. To shake the cops before we sleep.

Little Boy's Glue -«, \\The Cremation Of Irving Baum -^ x

by U. Gene Cornfield IJ^^MJ by Secret W. Service

The little toy fort has fallen apart,

And lopsided now it stands;
And I can't fit the wheels on the little toy cart
>S
Though I've blisters on both my hands.
Time was that a toy worked when it was new, •'•>?
And if it got broken then,
All it took was a dab of our little boy's glue
To fix it right up again.

But soon the toy makers had a thought;

'Twas one to make strong men weep:
If toys weren't assembled before they were bough L*3N] r^
Production cost would be cheap!
So toddling off to their trundle bed,
They had themselves a ball 'M,
Dreaming up instructions to be mis-read
So the parts wouldn't fit at all. There are strange things done in the noonday sunj
m
By those all smeared with oil.
Now our little boy's glue is no help to me To Miami Beach, skin pale as bleach,
As I assemble the stuff, They come from Northern soil.
For rod "A" is supposed to snap into hole "B" The mid-day sun sees queer things done
But it's just impossibly tough. To some from frigid clime;
So the toys lie in pieces; our little boy's blue,
Like the torrid day when the tropic ray
And he wails in a Christmassy funk,
For even a tube of our little boy's glue Fried Irving Baum one time.
Won't hold together this junk. Now Irving Baum was from Levittown, where the weather's nice and cool;
But within his reach lay Miami Beach, and Irving was a fool.
So he packed his trunk and some other junk, including one fat wife;
And he Southward flew for what friends knew was the blistering of his life.
^ * T
As the hot sun shone, he used Coppertone to produce a golden hue.
Then he plunked his hide by the oceanside; 'twas the worst thing he
could do.
For he didn't think that he'd just turn pink, and then red, but never
brown;
Lying in repose, deadly blisters rose, and cremated Irving Baum.
21
 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT.

LIGHTER
Hey, wait! Stop here for
a minute! I just remembered
SIDE OP
Oh, yes. As long as I'm here,
I need some butter . . . and I
. . . and potatoes . . . and
coffee . . . and cake , . .
OH MY ACHIN'
BACK! HOW MANY
MILK?!!
THAT'S THE
I need a container of milk! might as well get some bread CONTAINERS OF ONE THING
. . . also detergent. . . and
corn flakes . . . V MILK CAN YOU USE? I FORGOT!
SHOPPING
This dress looks lovely
on you. It's a very
popular number. In fact,
it's the last one we
That does it! She just said
the dirty word—"matronly"!
That puts the kibosh on the
whole deal!
Pssssstt!
Put it aside
for me!

have in stock! J Z
Sorry, Miss. I don't want
^f
this dress. Show me
something else.

A R T I S T & W R I T E R : D A V E BERG

This inflation is like it says Speaking of staying I've sti . . . and I'm not moving
in "Alice In Wonderland":—It in the same place, got twenty until then! I'm gonna get
takes all the running you can why are you? What minutes my money's worth on at
do to stay in the same place! are we just sitting left on the least one thing today!
here for? Let's go! Parking
Meter...

Raymond, I want you Aw, gee! Playing!? Listen, Buster, we've all Well, I'm doing my job in
to run down to the I'm got our jobs in this family unit. this family unit, too!
store and get me playing! Your Dad is doing his job by being I'm being a KID!
somethings! a Father and earning a living. I'm
doing my job by being a Mother and
doing the housework. So don't give
me that "playing" bit!
 Boy, I sure am a smart shopper! Well, I was at the store this That's great, honey! Well, after getting a
The Department Store advertised morning before it even opened. I'm proud of you. bargain like that, I
a floor waxer, and I spotted it And when it did, I fought my You're an economical just couldn't walk out
as a "loss leader"—you know, an way to the counter and bought wife. But—er—what's without buying a few
item they sell at a loss just to the floor waxer for—get this— in the other packages. other things, could I?
get the suckers into the store so $13.95, saving at least $4.00.
they can rook 'em on other items. How's that for smart buying?

You bought Sis But you WHAT'S THAT All right! All
somethin', an' don't GOT TO DO WITH right! I'll buy
you di'n't buy need IT? I WANT you something
me nuthin'! anything! SOMETHIN', TOO! and even the score!

. . . and I need Hey, Mom! According to these labels Stop trying to show off! . . . and it says right here:
one of these . . the small size, which sells for 23 I can read labels just LARGE E C O N O M Y SIZE"
cents, contains 16 ounces, and the as good as you . . . . . . so that's what I'm getting!
large size, which sells for 47 cents,
contains 30 ounces. So
you bought two small X
get more and pay

HA-HA! Look at this. I Well, they can go HOLD IT! What's this? Why, the dirty, rotten
bought a lot of items at whistle for their They charged me for crooks! Nobody takes
the store t o d a y . . . and money! Tough luck SIX shirts. . .and I advantage of me! I'm
they forgot to charge me on them! They should only bought FIVE!! going over there.and
$7.95 for the slacks. be more careful! scream the place down!
 Miss, I ought to Oh, you mean Yes, Ma'am? What can I do for I'm so glad you liked what I just See what I mean? That's the
warn you. I think she's a spy you, Ma'am? Would you like a sold you, Ma'am. Would you like only way to get courteous
that woman coming for the store, chair. Perhaps I can send out it delivered? I'll take it to the service around here. Just
this way is a checking the for coffee for you while I'm other counter personally. No let the sales clerk think
"Shopper"! help? Thanks waiting on you? trouble, Ma'am. Come again . . . you're a store "shopper"!

Oh Miss—\'.m That's a Don't be I'm sure you were, Really, Miss! I might HMMPH! SHODDY
having trouble size 12, ridiculous! Ma'am—grunt—but remind you—grunt- MERCHANDISE!
getting into Ma'am, I've been a sooner or later, we that the customer is
this dress. Can and you're size 12 since all have to face up always right! I ought
you help me, at least a was 18. to the ravages and to know my own si
please . . . size 16 . . . Just p u l l . . . the truth of time.

They sure design You start off at the Supermarket, —then to the Drug Store, where you . . .the Bank, where
these shopping where you get the food you n e e d - get the sundries you need, then on you borrow the money
centers cleverly. move on to the Haberdasher, where to the Furniture Store, the Shoe you need for next
Everything is so you get the clothes you need—then Store, the TV and Stereo Store— 'week's trip through
carefully planned. to the Hardware Store, where you and finally you end up at precisely the Shopping Center.
get the household items you need— the right place . . .
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

One Day In The Pasture

rfWv,;. -»VUl^_ .

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^..

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26
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r ^ - MH^^^^, * ^
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zz
L A W E N F A R C E M E N T DEPT.

Some time ago (MAD #73), we presented our version of a publication dealing with Organized
Crime called "Racketeer Illustrated." Ever since then, we've been under strong pressure to
grant equal time to Law Enforcement. Actually, all this pressure has been coming from Organ-
ized Crime! Well, by George, we know what's good for us, so here we go with MAD's version of:

BADGE & BILLY

The Magazine For Law Enforcement Officers On Sale Now For The Same
Price You Pay For Fruit
And Bus Rides . . . Mainly

DECEMBER 1 9 6 5
^ e WAS
TrtCMj
422LS rxX.<^\ «-*v
1 1 "i '"^HOo, tiooo
"«$£•
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W E U S E P O L I C E DOGS */**
TO GUARD OUR S T O R E , \ 6^e^(,-nc<ir-, i
!"*T€SJ
BUT UNFORTUNATELY eve-
THEY S T E A L !
by R. H. Macy
* * * \ • . -

I DON'T KNOW WHY

Y O U CALL M E A
TRIGGER-HAPPY COP!
by Ptl. Hank Godoy
as told to the late
o
s*$
Ralph Daly
* + *
A Message of Hope From
A Shea Stadium Cop:
^
I W A T C H E D T H E N.Y.
M E T S PLAY A D O U B L E -
H E A D E R - A N D DIDN'T
THROW UP ONCE!
J
Li
* * * %
A Fruit Store Owner
Turns The Tables On
Free-Loading Policemen: r%)
EVERY T I M E I P A S S
THE 17th PRECINCT,
I SQUEEZE A FEW
COPS AND BITE ONE!
* * * w
I JOINED T H E
POLICE FORCE AND f£?
GOT CLOSER TO
GOD! A TYPICAL NEIGHBORHOOD
by Ptl. Jerome Vickers, DEMONSTRATION AGAINST «8jj"' .
of the Empire State
Building Tower Patrol POLICE BRUTALITY
** *
A Courageous Merchant
Speaks Out:
I R E F U S E D TO B U Y
Spec/a, THE B A D G E & BILLY F O R U M
A T I C K E T TO T H E
IT\ T^«75V7iriI? UMllUlXMMil
P O L I C E M E N ' S BALL
. . . AND L I V E D ! issue: To Prominent Citizens, None of Whom Bothe

27
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL
 BORED WITH YOUR PRESENT ASSIGNMENT?

TUNNEL COP
Become A Ask Captain O'Malley
Each month, Captain O'Malley of the 98th Precinct answers questions submitted by Law En-
forcement Officers. If you have any questions you'd like answered, send them to Captain
And Step Up To Excitement! O'Malley in care of this magazine. However, please make your questions brief. Remember,
for every long letter you write, you could be filling out five or six parking tickets.

Dear Captain O'Malley: Dear Captain O'Malley:

X
H e r e i n t h e 98th Precinct, w e have I a m a m e m b e r of your own precinct,
• -T orders t o issue tickets t o all illegally a n d as you know, you have given each
p a r k e d cars, regardless of w h o m they P a t r o l m a n orders t o issue a q u o t a of
belong to. So far, I have tagged Cadil- tickets p e r day. Last Wednesday, I just
lacs b e l o n g i n g t o t h e M a y o r a n d t h e m a n a g e d t o give o u t my last r e q u i r e d
Don*t take our word for it. Ask men from G o v e r n o r , and a L i n c o l n b e l o n g i n g to ticket a t 11:55 P.M., a n d now I h e a r
other walks of life who have become Tunnel President J o h n s o n . T h i s m a d e my Ser- that d i e g u y is g o i n g to plead " N o t
Cops and who agree that it is the most ex- g e a n t very h a p p y . B u t last week, I G u i l t y " i n court. W h y is h e d o i n g this
citing thing that has ever happened to them.*
tagged a beat-up g r e e n O l d s m o b i l e , a n d to me? I caught h i m red-handed g o i n g
(•Men like former Forest Rangers, former Lighthouse
Keepers and former Desert Island Castaways) I w a s s u s p e n d e d indefinitely. H o w the w r o n g w a y d o w n a "One-Way
come? Street"?
But don't approach this wonderful career unprepared. Study
now at our school You'll learn such important arts as: Ex-Ptl. D . G r e b b s Ptl. Amos N o o n a n
TRAFFIC WAVING N e w York City N e w York City
We have special classes for southpaws.
RAMP WALKING Idiot! That was my car!! He may be a little upset because he was
Ask about our advanced courses in Dear C a p t a i n O'Malley: zvalking at the time.
"backward walking" for show-offs.
W h a t ever h a p p e n e d t o H e r m a n D e a r C a p t a i n O'Malley:
TILE COUNTING T r e n t , t h e famous citizen who—over a I a m a big movie fan, a n d I have b e e n
Learn the fascinating art of counting tunnel period of t w o months—witnessed six
tiles to pass away those interminable hours. d y i n g t o d o s o m e d i i n g exciting o n m y
muggings, four robberies a n d seven d u l l beat like t h e things I see in t h e
Find out how you can practice counting tiles
at home in your very own kitchen or bathroom. m u r d e r s , b u t never r e p o r t e d o n e of movies. Last week, I finally g o t t h e
these incidents to the Police? chance. I s p o t t e d three b a n k r o b b e r s
SELF-CONVERSATION
Learn how to talk to yourself properly. Find Ptl. H . Ferkle d r i v i n g away from the scene of a crime.
out how to break the ice when you don't feel Detroit, Mich. So I flagged d o w n a car, h o p p e d o n the
at ease with your company. Discover how to r u n n i n g board, a n d said, "Follow that
avoid listening when you find that you are He has been missing since October 6th.
not interested in what you're saying. car!" N o w I ' m in t h e hospital. W h a t
On that day, he was supposed to marry
happened?
rich and beautiful heiress, Diane Grey-
WRITE FOR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! moor, but he walked out in the middle Ptl. D a n i e l Krueger
San Francisco, Calif.
The Tunnelhanty Institute of the ceremony, because he didn't want
to get involved.
Box 3 2 1 Underwatertown, New York You've obviously been watching a lot
of old movies on TV! Nowadays, cars
D e a r C a p t a i n O'Malley:
IT'S OUT N O W ! Please excuse my p e n m a n s h i p , b u t as
don't have running boards!

T H E L A T E S T LP O F T H O S E I a m w r i t i n g this, a h o o d l u m is shooting D e a r C a p t a i n O'Malley:

at me. I believe I can pick h i m off with I a m a former M o u n t e d Policeman
SWINGIN' COPS my revolver, b u t h e r e is m y p r o b l e m .
In my town, Policemen earn $73 a week.
w h o was fired from t h e force just be-

The Four Fuzz ? So far this week, my family's living ex-

penses have c o m e t o S72.96. N o w , since
cause I r o d e side-saddle. W h a t was so
terrible a b o u t that?
Ex-Ptl. M . G u b r i k
WALKIN' THE BIG BEAT the D e p a r t m e n t charges me 6c" for every Chicago, Illinois
bullet I fire, if I shoot o n e shot a t this
h o o d l u m , I'll g o 2$ over m y weekly / am informed by your Precinct that
living budget. W h a t s h o u l d I do? they didn't mind the side-saddle riding
Ptl. Fred Wiggings so much. What they did object to was
R e d w o o d City, O h i o the fact that you also played the guitar,
sang songs, kissed your horse, and rode
A new Police Ordinance has just been with a civilian sidekick named "Fuzzy."
passed in your city which may help you.
Fire one shot and then return ivhat's D e a r C a p t a i n O'Malley:
left of the used cartridge to your Ser- I a m a d e a d ringer for C o m m a n d e r

iT geant. He will give you 2$ for

"Empty Deposit-Shell" and you'll
your
break
W h i t e h e a d , the "Schweppes M a n . " M y
Precinct has just assigned me to act as a
even for the week. decoy for muggers, and I have to dress
^S^ V ^ ^ S w D e a r C a p t a i n O'Malley:
like a teenage girl. C a n you give m e
some beauty a n d fashion tips?
SINGING SUCH GREAT TUNES AS: If a crook is escaping from the scene
Ptl. D . Vecchi
"You're Confessin' As I Club You" of a crime high overhead in a helicopter,
P h i l a d e l p h i a , Pa.
"Shamus These Days" w h a t is the p r o p e r way to o r d e r him t o
"You're The Cop" stop? Wear a simple dress and high heels, use
"On The Grill In The Night" Sgt. M i k e Q u i n c y eye makeup liberally but carefully, use
"Flatfoot Floogie"
Cicero, Illinois face powder but no lipstick, carry a
"Mrs. Brown, You've Gotten In Hot Water"
"Summons Time, And The Livin' Is Easy" transistor radio next to your ear, and
'Police Don't Talk About Me When I'm Gone" Simple. You fire a warning shot at him, make sure you wear rollers in your hair
AND MANY OTHER FAVORITES into a crowd. and beard.
 BADGE & BILLY'S F e a t u r i n g
THIS MONTH:

Fashion Page
The Latest in Fashions and
Accessories for the Smart,
Weil-Dressed, Small Town
Sheriff or Police Chief.*

(1) Genuine plastic, all-weather

shock-proof crash helmet, stretch-
fits perfectly over all heads with
Small to Extra Small brain sizes —
by Powerdrunk Creations, $6.50 ea.

(2) Bold imported sun goggles with

one dark lens for seeing Black and
one light lens for seeing White —
by Segregation Sun Glasses, $15.00

(3) Never-washed, always-worn nylon

wash-and-wear uniform, self-starched
automatically by miracle ingredient,
"Sweat" - from Ego Attire Co. $39.95

(4) Genuine, all-flesh, overhanging

belly with built-in navel, designed
by Schlitz of Milwaukee—11,795 cans.

(5) Imported Argentine-leather Jack

Boots-from A. Hitler & Sons, $19.95

(6) Official Colt .45 Service Pistol

— from a Mail Order ad, about $1.98

(7) Tear Gas Cannister—by Johnson &

Smith (Lethal Products Div.), $12.50

(8) Imported Doberman Pinscher with

solid ivory fangs, and a preference
for dark meat—by Destroyer, out of
Ripper, out of Killer, out of Spot
(a rotten pacifist ancestor), $175

(9) 1965-model steel Schoolchildren's

Cattle Prod-by Goose Bay Co. $18.50

(10) 100% Cowhide Prisoner-Cat-O'-

Nine-Tails with separate, but equal
tails-by De Sade Products, Ltd., $12

(ll)200-Proof Moonshine Bourbon—by

Hiram Wilkin's Illegal Still, 12tf qt.

(12) Oafy Comics, for the probing 6-

year-old mind, with large type geared
for those who move their lips while
they read—by Moronic Pub. Co., lOtf

(13) All-Pima Cotton White-On-White

Evening Wear for night-rides and cook-
outs—by Cannon Sheets, Inc., $3.98

"Posed by Sheriff Willie Biggit, of Friendly County,

Star of Setting Up Speed-Traps, Staging Terror Raids,
Screening Skin Pigmentation, Clubbing Freedom Marchers,
Ignoring Lynchings and Tirading Against Outsiders on TV.
29
 Goings On Along The Beats
WHAT'S NEW AMONG GUYS AND GALS IN LAW ENFORCEMENT BIZ
By Sgt. Sherman Shamus

The town is still buzzing about that incident that took place
on the 18th story ledge of the Farnsworth Building last week.
When Ptl. Ed Welles climbed out on the ledge to try and stop
a citizen, James Zuber, from committing suicide, Zuber cried,
"What's the good of living if you're a lousy underpaid City
employee, and nobody respects you?" So Zuber and Ptl.
Welles jumped together! We'll miss you, Ed. . . . With so
many stories about Patrolmen performing emergency deliv-
eries of babies in the newspapers these days, it's a real pleasure
to report what happened on Sycamore Street last night. Dr.
Charles Davis, an Obstetrician, was walking along when he
suddenly spotted an illegally parked car. Seeing no Police-
man around, and realizing that there wasn't a moment to
spare, Dr. Davis wrote out an Emergency Parking Ticket!
Good thinking, Doc!!
» » « » »
BAD NEWS DEPARTMENT: Mollie Gibbons, wife of Ptl.
Mike Gibbons, was visibly shocked last Tuesday night as she
watched Mike administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to
model Doll Flanders. Unfortunately, Miss Flanders was not
unconscious at the time. Mollie will get custody of the three
children. . . . Sorry to hear about Mel Frick, guard at State
Prison, getting fired last week. The Warden was furious
when he discovered that pampered Mafioso prisoner, Tony
Verelli, had been supplying Mel with cigarettes, whiskey and
women—from his cell!
* * * * *
Hats off to that clever, quick-witted State Trooper stationed You have to hand it to those resourceful cops at the 73rd
outside Speed Trap, Georgia, who stopped a Northern Motor- Precinct. When they couldn't get a confession out of Bugsy
McCoy after grilling him under the third degree lights for
ist for doing 75 last week. When the motorist snidely boasted six hours, they charged him $25.00 for a sun-tan treatment.
that he could prove he was only doing 25, and pointed to a
nearby "Speed Checked by Radar" sign, the Trooper guf-
fawed, "Tha's right! I'm HIM—Max Radar! An' I checked you Captain Ernest Rupp raided a wild East Side Bachelor Party
at 75!" We understand that business is booming down there, last week, and confiscated 7 reels of dirty movies that were
and that Max is planning to retire soon and buy the Penn- being shown there. This tireless public servant deserves a
sylvania Turnpike. Good luck, fellah! word of praise for staging his one-man battle against por-
nography. Captain Rupp is now studying those vile, filthy
films for court action. All Police Officers interested in study-
ing those vile, filthy films with Captain Rupp can attend
daily showings at his house at 6:00 P.M., 8:00 P.M., and
10.00 P.M. There will be a small admission charge.
* * * * *
STREET SCENE: Twelve tough kids playing "Cops and
Robbers" on the rough West Side of town: Six kids playing
the Cops, and the other six playing the Good Guys. . . . Ptl.
Nat Young and his lovely wife, Doris, were pleased as punch
when their 18-month-old-son, Brucie, said his very first word
• the other day. Little Brucie waddled into a Bookie Parlor,
stuck out his hand, and cooed, "Payola!". . . Officers of the
76th Precinct are concerned over the growing leniency of the
Courts toward young punks. Last week, 17-year-old "Go-Go"
Fallek, who committed Grand Larceny, Kidnap and Murder
on Oct. 11th, was let off wiui a suspended sentence because
it was his first offense.
* * * * *
AN OPEN L E T T E R T O PTL. RICKY HERMAN: It's
okay for Police Officers to help themselves to free merchan-
dise at Fruit Stands, but in the future watch yourself at
Jewelry Stores! You're ruining it for the rest of us! . . . We
just heard from Central Park Ptl. Phil Burns. He tells us
the park is so dangerous after dark now that on Thursday
Gangster-Thug " S h e m p " Fogarth being beaten up in broad
evening, his Police Dog was mugged by a Squirrel. We cer-
daylight by Patrolman Vince Eckers, despite Shemp's urgent tainly were surprised to learn that Ptl. Burns had even re-
cries for help from fellow gang members. " I t never fails," sorted to walking his park beat with a Police Dog, but Phil
said Shemp as they carted him off in the patrol wagon. informed us that his Police Lion was sick that night. But
30 "When you really need one, there's never a crook around!" don't get me wrong. I love Law Enforcement!
 The Correct Thing BADGE & BILLY
Classified Ads
Every issue, BADGE & BILLY presents a series of Proper Behavior Tips for
Law Enforcement Officers. This month, we present tips for Officers in Pa-
trol Cars. If you are an Officer in a Patrol Car, you will learn a valu- LOST AND FOUND
able lesson from reading these tips, especially if you are the Officer in
the Patrol Car who is driving at the time. Valuable lesson being, if you LOST, in the vicinity of Broadway, a small
read and drive at the same time, you may smash into a pedestrian or a ci- white Bookie, answers to the name of
vilian car, sure—but what is really bad is you may strain your eyesight. Hymie, has tiny mole on left cheek and
large yellow streak down' back. Broken
hearted Police Lieutenant desperately
wants him back. No sentimental value, but
he has been paying me off to the tune of
$200 a week. Reward. Box 146, B & B.

RIDES TO SHARE

FRIGHTENED POLICEMAN, recently assigned

to N. Y. Subway Train to protect passen-
gers from assault, looking for companion
to share ride and protect him. Must be
someone who knows his way around Sub-
ways and is afraid of nothing. Prefer a
retired mugger. Box 148, B & B.

PERSONALS
Always stop for coffee breaks at unexpected places like in tunnels or on bridges.
Preferably on Sunday afternoons. If your coffee should happen to get cold, you 39-YEAR-OLD COP—thank you—anxious to
can always get out of your Patrol Car and politely ask any of the motorists jam- meet respectable young lady— thank you—
med up behind you if you can re-warm it on the over-heated radiator of his car. with object of matrimony—thank you. Am
tall, good looking, with no faults—thank
you—except for slight speech defect—thank
you—which came about because of my 15
years as a Bridge Toll Collector—thank
you—but most people hardly notice i t -
thank you. Box 151, B & B.
LOOKING FOR perfect speed trap hiding
place? I know a great sign, vicinity of
Route 9, Hoboken, N.J. Will trade for a
hiding place of equal value, vicinity of
Route 17, West Orange, N.J., where I am
being transferred. Box 154, B & B.

CLUBS AND ORGANIZATIONS

TWENTY-SEVEN F.B.I. MEN, anxious to form

Communist Party Cell, desperately need a
Only blast your siren at night. In this way, you are being courteous to night work- Communist. Willing to waive initiation
ers who sleep during the day. Try to sound your siren between the hours of 2 A.M. fees, dues, hazing, etc., for right man. In
and 5 A.M. but only on important jobs—like going out to apprehend holders of emergency, will consider, Pinko, Titoist,
overdue library books. SPECIAL NOTE: The building here was a Convalescent Home or Eisenhower Republican. Box 156, B & B.
until the earth-shattering blast shown in picture. Now it is a Home for the Deaf.
HOME EDUCATION

£82: LOSING YOUR IMAGE as a lovable cop?

Maybe your Irish accent is going bad. This
could happen to any cop, especially a
Jewish one. Why not improve your Irish
accent at home, while you sleep, with this
amazing educational instrument. Simply
plug it into your ears before retiring, and
listen to the sound-tracks of 14 Barry
Fitzgerald movies. FREE with each course,
a special make-up kit to convert tired, sad
eyes into twinkling, smiling Irish ones.
EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER to the first
100 applicants: a 74 page pamphlet which
tells you exactly how things are in Glocca
Mora. Box 890, B & B.

Always keep your roof blinker light on, even when you're not chasing anyone and
BUSINESS INVESTMENTS
just cruising aimlessly. This is a wonderful method for frightening motorists in
front of you. You'd be amazed at how many innocent motorists will immediately FORMER HERO-COP, who single-handedly
feel guilty. Some will foolishly speed up to get out of your way, in which case captured kidnap gang, would like to go
you can stay right behind them until they exceed the speed limit and then pull into interesting business enterprise. Have
them over and give them tickets. Or else, just the sight of your blinker will be available for investment purposes about
enough. And remember this: a patrol car which is functioning properly should be $200,000 in small, unmarked bills.
able to cause twelve heart attacks or deliver twelve tickets per gallon of gas. Box 177, B & B.
 LAME-BRAIN GAMES DEPT.

THERE ARE TEN MISTAKE* IN THIS SCENE.

FINP THE MISTAKES CAN yOU FINE? THBM ALL *

HERE ARE THE TEN MISTAKES IN THIS SCENE'- STILL AT H O M E .

1- T I C K E T SELLER GAVE LADY A T I C K E T TO TORONTO. *• LADY RUSHING TO EMBRACE HER HUSBAND I S SHOUT/NG,
SHE A S K E D FOR ONE TO MIAMI. »WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU HOME AGAIN,IRVING P A R L I N © ! "
%. "TRAIN ON TRACK 2 S H O U L P HAVE COMB IN O N ONLY TROUBLE IS, HIS NAME I S PAUL .
TRACK 17, LOWER. L E V E L . 1. M A N ON BENCH I S HALF-WAY THROUGH A FRENCH NOVEL.
•&.MM 1N
CHECKED COAT I S K I S S I N G WIFE O F -WAN IN HE DDES NOT KNOW A SINGLE WORD OF FRENCH.
STRIPED COAT ^GCOO-SMF"— UNAWARE THAT H E R 0. FAMILY ON BENCH I S LOOKING FOR WARP TO HAPPY,
HUSBAND HAS ARRIVED UNEXPECTEDLY O N TRACK Z. CAREFREE VACAT/ON.THEY CAN FORGET IT. THE KIP HAS.
A- I N T E L L I G E N T -WAN, HURRYING TO CATCH TRAIN O N EATEN THE TRAIN TICKETS,
TRACK 1 , HAS ACCIDENTALLY PICKED UP COPY OF Q.&ROUP OF EAST KHURD/AN TOURISTS THINK THIS I S
*MAP" INSTEAD O F " T H E SATURDAY REVIEW OF LITERATURE • KENNEDY AIRPORT, AND ARE 6 0 / N G TO M/SS THEIR PLANE,
6 &EARPEP MAN IS A FLEEING EMBEZZLER WHO HAS THE NEXT ONE DOESN'T LEAVE FOR THREE MONTHS.
GRABBED THE WRONG SUITCASE. THIS ONE CONTAINS ONLY \0. &\&*E&T MISTAKE O F ALL, MAINLY THAT YOJ TRIED
BLANKETS AND MOTHBALLS. THE ONE WITH THE MONEY IS TO SPOT THE OTHER, NINE .

WIN TWO OF THE S/X PEOPLE P/CTUREP HERE ARE TW/N& ,

CAN YOU P/CK THEM OUT &

MERELY FILL IN THE FINAL

RHYMING WORD TO THIS POEfA:

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ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE
C A N YOU C U T O U T T H E S E P I E C E S A N P
PUT T H E M T O G E T H E R T O F O R M
WHAT IS IT?
A PERFECT SQUARE? f f r IS SOMETHING YOU SELPOM SEE WITH YOUR
NAKED EYE, BUT IT IS ALL AROUNP JUST THE
SAME. YOU FIND IT IN POLICE STATIONS ANP
BANKS. IT IS ALSO IN RESTAURANTS ANP
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CAN YO>U TELL WHAT IT I S ?

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ANSWER:
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MESSAGE
CAREFULLY RUB GENUINE WHALE OIL INTO THE
BLANK SfftCE BELOW ANP A SECRET MESSAGE
WILL MAGICALLY APPEAR. REMEMBER, ONLY
6ENUINE WHALE OIL WILL BRING OJT THE MESSAGE.
I F YOU PON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY GENUINE
WHALE OIL AROUND THE HOUSE, SENP $ 2S.°°
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THE PLOY'S THE THING DEPT.
Tell the truth—aren't you enjoying this wonderful, witty Now really be honest—at this point, aren't you ashamed
and clever magazine? Of course you are! Most intelligent to admit you don't enjoy MAD!? That's because you've just
people who have well-developed senses of humor enjoy MAD. been intimidated! Do you realize how many times a day you

Intimidations
You can be intimidated by a Door-to-Door Salesman—like this...

t
ad morning, Ma'am! My, what an alert, Just "all right"? You mean he's
intelligent-looking Mother you are! about to be lost in the s h u f f l e -
just a face in the crowd?

I know it takes courage to

admit failure—but you can
tell me! After all, what
are friends for? What grade
is the poor thing in?
are intimidated into buying something you don't want, or at all, he'll buy this article which shows how you people
doing something you really don't care to do? Well, take can fight back against that vast army of intimidators who
heart, faithful MAD fans. If the Editor has any brains are out there ready to devour you alive. Mainly, here are

....an •J A n t i d o t e s ...or—you can do THIS...

No, lady, I swear I'm not from . . .

know! You're a collector from the

Appliance Store! Look, just because
I'm 8 months overdue on the dryer—

I But, I'm really with the . . .

•ESS
Don't tell me! The Ajax Finance Co.l|
, ' ' f "f
 ...or—you can do THIS...

I don't know if you ever met my daughter! She's I don't know if you ever met my daughter! She's—
a lovely girll
I'm sure she is, but I don't— Look, lady! A girl's a girl with me!

She's a straight " A " s t u d e n t . . . bright as a whip! But she's a lovely girl—a straight " A " s t u d e n t -
It's a date! I'll pick her up tonight at 8:30! Don't
Yes, well, I'm only a "C-plus" student myself!
wait up for her! She may not be home until Monday!
But you'd never know she was bright! Every fellow
What?
feels comfortable with her!
She must be very popular! See, there's this party at my friend's place! He
lives out of town—in this cabin in the woods!
Tell her not to fuss—my pal's making the booze!
Popular!? I never see her! She's always out on
dates! Of course, she has a free Saturday night
Booze?! But I disapprove of young people drinking—
occasionally—like this Saturday n i g h t . . .
Don't worry! We won't touch a drop until after
Yeah, well, if I weren't busy this Saturday— the drag race we're having down U.S. 101!

There's a Saturday in the next week, too—and the Drag race!? But I don't like too much driving—
week after—
But my folks insist I get home early! Oh, we won't be driving all the time! We'll park by
the side of the road for a while—to get acquainted!
Such fine people! I'd be proud to have my daughter
going with a handsome boy from such good stock! She's not that type of girl! Oh? What type is she?!

But- She's cultured, refined, well-mannered and moral!

I knew it the minute I met you! You're not one of
those that goes only for looks! You're sensible— Leave her to me! I'll break her of those bad habits!
you know beauty is only skin deep!
Er—I really don't— Young man—leave immediately or I'll call the police!

Since you can't stay out late on Saturday night, Yeah! Call them! I'd like to find out how the girl
you can come a little earlier. She'll expect you I had out last Saturday night is doing!
at 12:30 in the afternoon! See you Saturday!
You fiend!! Good-bye!!
You can even intimidate yourself
0
in a restaurant...like this... ...or—you can do THIS...
I wonder what I should tip the waiter? Er—would you call our waiter, please!? I'd like the check!

I think 15% is right—but he looks so important! But—I AM your waiter!!

In fact, he looks a lot more important than I do! Oh, really! Gee, I didn't recognize you!
But then, I haven't seen you for so long!
If I give him too little, and he says something—I'll die!
Why, I've been here all the time!
But if I overtip, and he thanks me, I'll feel like a fool!
Oh!? Even when I found that dirty silverware? .
And the soup that was spilled in my saucer?
Wish he wouldn't stand over me while I'm figuring the tip!
I'm sorry about that! But if you'd told me—
It makes me so nervous, I'm sure I'll make a mistake!
If I could have found you, I could have told you!
Let's see—was the service good? No, it was bad! Then why
should I leave as much for bad service as for good service?
Sir—I've been a waiter for over 20 years!
Because I'm chicken . . . that's why!
Well, I guess you need ability to advance yourself!
So he's not a good waiter! I'll bet he's got a wife and Sir—I resent that!
kids to support! He's probably upset by troubles at home!
You're entitled. I imagine you have a wife and
It's really not his And why should he suffer just children to support, so they let you stay on!
fault if he brought for spilling coffee on me!
the wrong main course Anyone can make a mistake!
Listen, I don't need charity from anyone!

I know what I'll do! I'll compromise! The check is $12.00

I'll pay with a $20 bill! Oh, no? Tell me—don't you expect me to leave a tip?
And let him keep the change!
That is the customary practice, Sir!

For doing nothing? Don't you call that charity?

Look, punk! I don't need your lousy money!

Let's see—I usually leave 20%, but in this case—

You know what you can do with your tip, crum!

Come, dear! You can't talk to an irrational man!

JOKE-AND-DAGGER DEPT. PART II
 SUMMA CUM LAZY DEPT.
All around the country, college students are revolting (in more ways than usual) against what they
o
consider to be an assembly-line educational system that grinds out graduates without teaching them
anything. Yet, despite these protests, it is obvious that Higher Education will continue to reflect
our nation's adult society . . . that more and more, college students will be trained to appreciate
the positive aspects of getting lost in the shuffle and staying there . . . and that someday, we will
be preparing our young people for an anonymous lifetime in a conforming apathetic world with . . .

COLLEGE PROGRAMS TO DEVELOP

MASTERS OF MEDIOCRITY
Megalopolis State University

COLLEGE OF DISILLUSION

CATALOGUE OF COURSES
FALL SEMESTER 1 9 6 6

ARTIST: PAUL COKER JR. 39

WRITTEN BY: DONALD D. SHANDLER
 =^fe--7~*"^ig

F R E S H M A N COURSES
100A. INTRODUCTION TO APATHY 105. INTRODUCTORY NON-PARTICIPATION
3 Credits M-W-F 3 Credits M-W-Th
Room 2931 Chuckit Hall Mr. D. Moralize Room 1181 Rejectit Hall Miss DeFunn
This survey course is geared to help the over-zealous Especially designed to assist the naive freshman in con-
freshman achieve the degree of apathy required on the quering his immature desire to become involved in nor-
college level. Lectures will concentrate on the futility of mal extra-curricular activities. Discussions will concen-
retaining such immature traits as ambition, ideals and a trate on loss of prestige, useless expenditure of energy
sense of school spirit. and the lack of meaning in later life inherent in non-
compulsory campus affairs. (Note: This course not open
100B. REMEDIAL INDIFFERENCE to students attending the University on athletic scholar-
ships.)
2 Credits Sat-Sun
Room 857 Over Hall Mr. Whippinline
106. FUNDAMENTALS OF KILLING LEISURE TIME
Prerequisite to INTRODUCTION TO APATHY for
3 Credits T-Th-F
unusually difficult students who refuse to accept the Students Lounge Downthe Hall Mr. Goldbrick
status quo even after they have gained a fuller under-
standing of it. Although specifically designed to assist the incoming
student (who worked hard in high school preparing for
101. BEGINNING DISILLUSION college acceptance) to adjust to goofing off now that
3 Credits M-T-Th he's here, this course also lays the foundation for apa-
Mr. C. Black thetic lolling after graduation. All aspects of unproduc-
Room 77 Nohohpat Hall tive leisure time activity will be examined with special
Designed to imbue the incoming student with a feeling emphasis on prolonged day dreaming.
of basic helplessness in regard to the more pressing
problems confronting the world he lives in. Discussions SOPHOMORE COURSES
will cover such topics as the inevitability of the Rotten
Society, the insignificance of the individual in world 200. TECHNIQUES OF SCAPEGOATING
affairs and the adoption of a realistic attitude that every- 3 Credits M-W-F
thing is bound to get a lot worse before it gets better, Room 701 Duckett Hall Pastor Buck
if ever.
Learning to blame teachers, parents, employers and so-
ciety in general for personal shortcomings will be the
102. UMBILICAL COORDINATION student's objective in this course. Guest lecturers from
3 Credits T-W-F the Department of Speech will assist with instruction
Room 666 Navel Academy Mother Wylie in whining.
This course will help to prevent the severing of the silver
cord between a mother and her pampered child. It en- 201. CONTEMPORARY SELF-ACCEPTANCE y
ables the overly-dependent freshman, away from home 3 Credits T-W-Th
for the first time, to learn the advantages of continuing Room 59 Acceptit Hall Mr. D. Lusion
to lean on Mom throughout college, job-placement and
marriage. For the second year student who has mastered the funda-
mentals of apathy, including the avoidance of respon-
sibility and constructive participation, but who still
104. PARENTAL PRESSURE OPPOSITION experiences twinges of anxiety as to where his emerging
0 Credits F-Sat-Sun lack of identity may lead him. This course enables the
Room 803 Sickovit Hall Mr. Offyurback individual to drift with renewed confidence by pointing
Students will learn to help their parents mature, by up how the growth of automation makes him increas-
acquiring an over-all knowledge of methods helpful in ingly unnecessary; the disintegrating world situation
decreasing family emphasis on academic success, choice makes his future increasingly improbable, and the popu-
of a career and general personality adjustment. Students lation explosion makes his inability to produce increas-
will apply what they leam on weekends at home. ingly desirable.
202. PRINCIPLES AND METHODS OF CHEATING 206. INTERMEDIATE DISORIENTATION
3 Credits M-Th-F 2 Credits M-F
Room 81 Cribbing Hail Miss DeMeanor Room 187 Forgetit Hall Miss A. Ply
Areas covered to help students achieve better grades Now required of all sophomores. This course is designed
without studying or learning are microfilming tech- to meet the needs of the second year student who, in-
niques, trends in infra-red printing, skillful plagiarism advertently, has seen a relationship between two or
and beating around the bush on final exams in 2,000 more facts he learned as a freshman and finds himself
words or more. unable to be totally apathetic about it.
JUNIOR COURSES
202B. MEANINGLESS VOCABULARY-BUILDING
2 Credits T-F 301. DEVELOPMENT OF AESTHETIC
Room 7922 Faykit Hall Dr. Papers DEPRECIATION
3 Credits T-Th-F
Vital to the student whose incompetence has developed Room 111 DeBaysette Hall Miss Gyde
to the point where he can't even learn to cheat. This
course enables such individuals to prepare acceptable Students with little or no aesthetic awareness will re-
term and examination papers through the frequent in- ceive guidance in producing a comfortable environment
sertion of impressive but meaningless words and phrases. where their deficiencies can be maintained in later life.
Instruction will include lectures in national park de-
204. PRACTICAL MATERIALISM forestation, rural stream pollution, proper placement of
highway billboards, suburban split-level home selection,
3 Credits T-Th-F trashy book and motion picture enjoyment, and ap-
Room 101 Amasset Hall Substitute Teachers proved methodology in general littering.
Naive college students will learn to replace love, faith,
happiness and similar unprofitable emotions with 302; PROGRESSIVE UNDERACHIEVEMENT
chromium worldly goods: large homes, high-powered 2 Credits W-F
sports cars, color television sets, yachts, jewelry, self- Room 219 Connem Hall Miss Leed
defrosting refrigerators that make round ice cubes, etc.
Creating the impression that you are not performing up
205. HUMAN SELECTIVITY to capacity, and mistakenly leading professors to believe
that you are an intelligent and worldly individual is the
3 Credits M-W-Th basis of this course. Emphasis will be placed on obscure
Room 268 Contact Building Mr. Hooyuno name-dropping, thought-provoking question-asking,
This course is constructed to teach the student to lean feigned appreciation of professorial witticisms, and
on others in order to survive. Experienced faculty mem- carrying books above your class and age level.
bers, long familiar with the cultivation of useful con-
nections as opposed to meaningful relationships, will 303. UNPROGRESSIVE OVERACHIEVEMENT
conduct seminars to assist under-graduates in the selec-
tion of rich, brainy, influential acquaintances who will 2 Credits T-Th
do the student the most good after graduation. Room 181 Impressum Hall Mr. Snow
Invaluable to the student who seeks a passing grade
205B. MARRYING FOR MONEY without ever completing a homework assignment. This
course offers guidance in skimming through unassigned
3 Credits M-W-F reading material to create the assumption that you are
Room 242 Loveless Union Miss Alliance engrossed in the subject and are pursuing it beyond es-
Open only to students who have exhibited sufficient tablished requirements. Instruction also is given in em-
cunning to by-pass HUMAN SELECTIVITY. Instruc- barrassing professors through the memorization and use
tion will concentrate on the choosing of a single member of foreign phrases with no particular meaning, frequent
of the opposite sex to fulfill lifetime needs for wealth, reference to non-existent theorems, and scoring aca-
job security, family position and a head start in career demic points by citing analogies that don't apply to the
after graduation. discussion topic. .
304. BASIC HYPOCRISY 402. STUDIES IN EGOCENTRICITY
3 Credits T-W-Th 3 Credits T-Th-F
Room 180 Justifyette Hall Mr. Lippservis Room 112 Ego Building Prof. LeGate
The advanced study of communicating on two levels is Business administration students will find this course
the core of this course. Students will learn that words particularly advantageous in bulldozing their way into
and actions do not have to be consistent. Guest lecturers profitable endeavors for which they are unqualified.
will include businessmen, politicians and educators who They will learn to overlook their inadequacies by becom-
will demonstrate how their superficial ideas have not ing self-centered individuals with little regard for the
interfered with making a living. person, dignity and property of others. Strong emphasis
will be placed on the rude and the vulgar as a means of
dominating those with less self-assurance.
305. ALL-PURPOSE OPINION FORMULATION
3 Credits M-Th-F 404. PREPARATION FOR POST-GRADUATE
Room 215 Patronizem Hall Mr. Brownoze
APATHY
Through concentrated training in the development of a 3 Credits M-W-F
total lack of enlightened opinion, firm conviction and Room 390 Avoidit Hall Mr. E. Lood
ethical principles as they relate to the pressing issues
of our time, this course is designed to pave the way for Offered for the first time during the present academic
rapid advancement in later life by enabling the student year, this course will aid the graduate in maintaining a
to voice wholehearted agreement with all lunatic fringe solid foundation of self-centered dis-interest when con-
views held by employers, wealthy prospective in-laws fronted with the pressure to participate in suburban
and other individuals who have something the student civic endeavors. Students will be taught the basic prin-
wants. ciples of begging off, indefinite postponement, quarrel-
some behavior at planning sessions, and negative argu-
ments against Little League baseball, the preservation
SENIOR COURSES of historical landmarks, the need for additional school
400. ADVANCED DISILLUSION crossing guards and expansion of facilities for anything.
3 Credits T-W-Th
Room 829 Faicet Hall Dr. Know 405 FLAUNTING
A refresher course for the senior about to enter the cold, 2 Credits W-F
Room 219 Regalem Hall Mr. Bragg
hard world. In addition to consoling the fourth year
student for failing either to prepare himself for adult Students will be encouraged to utilize their college de-
life or to drop out of school and get started on it, the grees as symbols of superiority over more capable indi-
course will help him develop the skills of goldbricking, viduals who have been exposed to fewer years of formal
social parasitism, ingratiating conformity, financial schooling. Techniques will be stressed for dropping ref-
credit manipulation and income tax evasion. erences to college days into conversations, for terminat-
ing arguments with inferiors by mis-quoting former pro-
401. CONTACT MAINTENANCE fessors, and for utilizing your educational background
as an offsetting factor to explain away goofs on the job,
3 Credits M-W-F all out of context.
Room 177 Potential Building Miss Hughes
A frank seminar discussion of the importance of re- 406. INDEPENDENT STUDY
kindling and capitalizing on tenuous college relation-
ships in later life. Emphasis will be placed on the selec- 3 Credits M-W-F
tion of casual acquaintances most likely to succeed in Room 300 Jon Hall Miss Montez
order to weed out and discard potentially meaningless Inserted into the curriculum for the benefit of seniors
friends before it's too late. Attention also will be focused who otherwise would fall three units short of meeting
on the future fabricating of college reminiscences for the requirements for graduation. Special fee: $175, but
the purpose of securing employment from and/or selling well worth it to avoid being stuck here for another whole
insurance to classmates you never actually met. semester.
 DIRTY BIRDS DEPT.
Once upon a time, there was a "Piper" who lured mice and rats with his playing, and . . .
well, you all know the story of the "Pied Piper." Now there's another kind of "Piper" who
is luring a different kind of following with its playing. We happen to be talking about

%*•

ABTICT. M
ARTIST: inoT n
MORT piir.KPR
DRUCKER W R I T F R - LARRY
WRITER: I i R R V iSIEGEL
;ipr.Fi

Mother,
tell Okay, Denny. I' I'm a gorgeous, non-conformist beatnik painter
me tell you the plot with an annual income of $8.12. I run around
a of this movie. As practically nude all the time, and with the
story. you know, my name money I save on clothes, I was able to buy
is Lurid Reynard. that fantastic $75,000 home of ours on the hil

HiVWt/' '•• --• •••

Well, Clear, here I am, a plain, average Clear, are you Yes, Egbert, we're both Hello! I'm
Episcopalian Minister—the head of a thinking what thinking: What could Lurid Reynard!
Church School for Boys, and here you are, I'm thinking? possibly come between us?
my plain, average wife of 20 years—the
mother of my two children, and we are
indescribably happy.
 ft
Well, here we are alone at l a s t - I'll be right with you. I'm Egbert, darling, perhaps you can Every I
just a plain, average, lecherous just going to shrink my slacks answer a question for me. Why When time 1 I
Minister-teacher and a plain, in hot water and then walk have men always failed to appreciate does walk
average, unmarried parent—ready around in them. It's the least my intelligence and sensitivity? this into a [
to discuss penmanship. I hate I can do for the intellectuals Why have men always wanted to hold happen? store, [
crowded PTA meetings, don't you? in the movie audience. me and kiss me and hug me?l just naked. 1
can't understand it.

How different our lives are, Egbert. I envy the

Look what I've got: A disturbed son with a fulfillment
father who never married me, 38 unwashed in your
beatnik friends, 71 Henry Miller books and life, Lurid.
112 Lenny Bruce records. Meanwhile, what I want to be
have you got? A wife who loves you, two free, too!
well-adjusted children, a fine home, a FREE . . .
good income, a respectable calling and a
two thousand year old religion

There, little Sinpiper Of course he's flying.

bird, You're free. And What do you think the
you're flying-FLYING- airplane glue was for?
He's been sniffing it!
 Welcome What could be wrong? What's . . . and then I'll polish your new ankle slave Clear, I was with Lurid
back home, All right, there to suspect? Just because bracelet, and then I'll wash out your new "Big Reynard. I love her.
Egbert, Clear. You you were gone for 12 days Sewer" T-shirt, and then I'll iron your new But I also love you.
dear. I might as without a word? Now you just perfumed handkerchief with the initials "L.R." You see, I love her for
missed well say it. relax and I'll clean all the on it, and then I'll fold up your new tie that her beauty and passion,
you. Did You suspect lipstick off your clothes . . . says, "Won't You Kiss Me In The Dark, Lurid, and I love you for your.
you miss there's some Baby?", and then I'll give you dinner, and . . . intelligence and
me? thing wrong awareness.
between us.

You have, idiot.

Don't you get it.
This is an "Adult"
Beach Movie!

Lurid, there's some- But I can't explain it to you here, in

one here to see you. front of all these coarse oafs who could
He says that because never understand. I'll explain it to you
he's loved you, his and my wife, Clear, during my Church Sermon
life is ruined. on Sunday—in front of hundreds of good,
clean-living people who will understand.
Mainly because they've all dreamed about
getting into a situation like this.
 For my sermon today, I would like to talk about Ladies and gentlemen, I am Father
"Good" and "Evil"—and how sometimes "Evil" can my sermon has just Patrick
be "Good" and "Good" can be "Evil"—and how been cancelled. Instead, O'Connor—
good "Good-Evil" can be, and how evil "Evil-Good" I am to receive some and this is
can be—and how I was once "Evil-Good" until I sort of important Rabbi Samuel
discovered "Good-Evil". . . Religious Award . . . Greenberg .

On behalf of our respective faiths, we would And with this Look! Up there! It's the
like to present you with this Award. Because Award, we'd Sinpiper bird! The symbol
of your role as a defrocked Minister in "The like to thank of this whole movie!
Night Of The Banana" and your role as a you for what <=*5^
ridiculously unreal Episcopalian Minister in you've been
this movie, you—single-handedly—have been doing for us
responsible for the conversion of more than and say "Keep
3,000,000 Protestants to Catholicism and up the good
Judaism to date . . . work."

i^V.

Does anybody here Well, here's the way I see it: The Sinpiper
understand the real, bird up there actually represents Liz and
underlying meaning of the Dick, see . . . and we beatniks symbolize
Sinpiper bird—and us? the movie-goers of America who are paying
good money to see this film, see . . . and—
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III

ANOTHER GREAT BANK ROBBERY

 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER REVOLTING

MAD FOLD-IN
Office Christmas Parties this past season
reached a new high in uninhibited drinking,
singing, secretary-grabbing, boss-insulting
and other carryings-on... all in the spirit
of good clean idiotic fun. As a result, many
Employers are already planningahead. If you
fold page in as shown, you will see how they
plan to celebrate Xmas in the years to come.
B* FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT
4A FOLD BACK SO " A " MEETS " B "

WITH XMAS SPIRITS OVERFLOWING, NORMALLY SEDATE

EMPLOYEES TURN INTO UNINHIBITED ARTIST & WRITER:
AL JAFFEE

COMPULSIVE DRUNKS, LIBERTINES AND BOSS-HATERS

B| <A
MAD's
Great Moments In Advertising

THE DAY THE

W R O N G GIANT
CAME OUT OF
THE W A S H E R -
HO-HO-HO!