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No. 9 7
Sept. '65
 FIRST C A M E . . THEN C A M E . .

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NUMBER 9 7 SEPTEMBER 1965 VITAL FEATURES

CHEYENNE
AWFUL
'Today's 'Non-Conformists' are getting harder and harder to tell apart!"
—Alfred E. Neuman (MOVIE
SATIRE)
Pg.9
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor
JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGLiN associate editors
MARTIN J . SCHEIMAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity
CLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD CRiLLO subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots
BEING RICH
IS BETTER
THAN A
DEPARTMENTS WARM PUPPY
Pg.4
AGE BEFORE BOOTY DEPARTMENT
"The Rooks"-A MAD TV-Satire 43
BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPARTMENT
MAD's Modern Believe It Or Nuts 37
BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Employees 38
A
BLUE CHIPS OFF THE OLD BLOCK DEPARTMENT MAD
Being Rich Is Better Than A Warm Puppy 4 LOOK AT
CANNED LAUGHTER DEPARTMENT GARBAGEMEN
Pg.14
A MAD Look At Garbagemen 14
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
"A Frightful Incident" 8
"On The Desert" 22
"In An Alley" 48
DOUBLE-TALK DEPARTMENT LOAD&
What They Say . . . And What It Really Means 29 CRASH
HEADLINE ACTS DEPARTMENT (MAGAZINE
The Walt Cronkite Show 19 SATIRE)
Pg.23
INDIAN CORN DEPARTMENT
"Cheyenne Awful"—A MAD Movie-Satire 9
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy , 18, 32
Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 42
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT (TV SHOW
Drawn-Out Dramas ** SATIRE)
ONE FOR THE ROAD DEPARTMENT Pg.43
"Load &. Crash"-A MAD Magazine-Satire 23
SQUADS RIGHT DEPARTMENT
MAD Interviews A John Birch Society Policeman 33
""Various Places Around The Magazine
THE
LIGHTER
SIDE OF
MAD—Sept. 1965 V o l . 1 , Number 97, is published monthly except February, May, August and Novem-
ber, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid
at New York, N . Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 8 issues $2.00 or 24 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A.;
8 issues $2.50 or 24 issues $6.25. Allow 6 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire con-
t, EMPLOYEES
Pg.38
tents copyrighted ®1965 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors w i l l not be responsible for
unsolicited manuscripts and request a l l manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return
envelope. The names of characters used in a l l M A D fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity
without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A.
LETTERS DEPT.
43-MAN SQUAMISH
Your article on "43-Man Squamish" so team in Western Canada, and we haven't
stimulated the students of the University played a game. We can't understand why
of Alberta, Calgary, that we have organ- we have no opposition.
ized a team. We happen to be the only Warren Drinnan
undefeated Squamish team in Western
Canada, mainly because we are the only Full-Frummert
U. of Alberta, Calgary, Can.
University of Alberta's 43-Man Squamish Team

RAISE IN PRICE
I am pleased to see that you are no
longer the worst 254 magazine in the
world!
Bill Weinberg
Bronx, N . Y .
Your magazine has reached a new
"high"! Mainly the extra five cents in
price! The rest of the magazine hit the
same old low.
Russell Zausmer
Staten Island, N. Y.
We, the men of Rensselaer Polytechnic worthy of the challenge and not be of
Institute, have seen the merits of "43-Man faint heart. W e ask that you publish this
I'll be happy to pay the 304 because I Squamish." To further this marvelous letter as a public challenge to them.
fully realize that this boost is due solely sport, we have formed a team (see photos Charles de la Motte
to higher printing costs. Besides, where below) and have challenged the men of Peter Schwartz
Harvard to prove their athletic prowess on
• I else can you buy a doormat that cheap?
Ronnie Schriebman
Philadelphia, Pa.
the Flutney. We hope that they will be
R.P.I. Squamish Team
Troy, N.Y.
R.P.I.'s 43-Man Squamish Team
I know that many people will com-
plain, but I'm glad you raised your price.
In fact, I wish you'd raise it more and
more. Then it will reach a price where I
£fS5H5£SS
can no longer afford to buy it, and I'll
have a chance to grow up normal and
healthy instead of becoming a raving lun-
atic like the rest of your staff.
JeffryFink (nokidding)
Plainview, N. Y.

For a nickel more, an intelligent reader

can buy "Newsweek" and get lots more
laughs!
Richard Lader
Brooklyn, N . Y .
, Like the 54 cigar and the 754 haircut,
the 254 MAD has now disappeared from
the American Scene. I, for one, am sad to
see it go.
kSa Greg Truog
Mallard, Iowa

Just because you read everywhere that

the cost of education is going up doesn't
mean you have to go along with it!
Harry Riker
New York City

How come 304 Did you decide to start

paying your artists?
Marty Franklin
Merrick, N . Y .

"Time" costs 404, "Newsweek" costs In keeping with the fine tradition of My faith in Mankind was shaken when
554, and "Life" costs 354, so why "avant guardism" here at Marquette, we I saw your article claiming the invention
shouldn't the best magazine on the news- have organized a Squamish team. At last of "43-Man Squamish." I recently saw a
stands have a price to go with it? tally, we have lost two Deep Brooders and description of the game you claim to have
one Dummy, who were suspended for started in: "Engineering Digest," "The
Ed Minch Airman," "Analog," "Popular Science,"
Cleveland, Ohio sportsmanlike conduct during the course
of play. "Astounding Science Fact-Science Fic-
As far as I'm concerned, you can raise Athletic Committee tion," "The Red Rag," "Popular Mechan-
the price to 504 and I still won't buy it! Schroeder Hall ics" and "Road And Track."
Marc N. Weiss Marquette University Keith S. Massey
Laurelton, N . Y. Milwaukee, Wise. Havre de Grace, Md.
 ARE YOU BUGGED BY THE LITTLE
GUN OWNERS PRIMER A HIT WITH JACK
I am writing in reference to your MONSTERS WHO SHORT OUT
"MAD Gun Owners Primer" in the June
issue. I recently completed a 2 2-year THE SUPPLY OF MAD AT THE
career in military service, through two
wars, to defend your right to print such NEWSSTANDS?' -'
material. During this military career, I
had the opportunity of spending consid-
erable time in various foreign countries,
and I am familiar with dictatorships and
other forms of totalitarian government.
History has shown that the first move in
forming a dictatorship is to register all
firearms. The next step is simply to de-
mand that all firearms be turned in, leaving
a disarmed public at the mercy of the dic-
tator. The drafters of our constitution
were aware of this fact, and farsighted
enough to provide for this right in the
2nd Amendment. The Communist Party
has the avowed purpose of disarming the "On The First Night Of The Full
American Public. Through such writing Moon," when "The Race Is On," I drop
as yours, their cause is greatly served. I my "Lollipops And Roses" and join all
consider the right to own firearms as im- the "Wives And Lovers" rushing down to
portant in keeping America free as the the store to get the latest issue of MAD
right to freedom of speech. . . . so, "Call Me Irresponsible"! * *
James F. Lambert Jack Jones
Major (Ret.) U.S.A.F. Hollywood, Calif. Mad Bug by Baggi
Phoenix, Arizona
PASSION PLACE GET EACH CURRENT ISSUE.,.
Congratulations! I only wish more As the mother of three, I find it disgust-
were being done to emphasize the brutal ing for my children to read your "Passion
MAILED DIRECT TO YOUR OHM!
"sport" of hunting, which is so indicative Place." You are going on a previously- SUBSCRIBE TO
of the cruelty that is prevalent in our mod- made assumption in your judging of this
ern civilization. marvelous TV series. So you found the
Eileen McArdle book trashy, maybe even the movie—but
Bronx, N. Y. this is no reason to term the television
serial as "dirty."
I stand on my constitutional right to Mrs. Constance Standish ...AND SAVE 400 ON 8 ISSUES
own a gun, and agree with the sportsmen Bothwell, Canada
who say that they are against any law OR A BIG $2.20 ON 24 ISSUES!
which prohibits the selling of guns by HAIRGOO MAGAZINE — — — - u s e coupon or duplicate
mail, and want instead a law where any-
one who committed a crime with a fire- I showed "HairGoo Magazine" to my M A D S U B S C R I P T I O N S
arm would be automatically charged with sister who is a hairdresser, and she
laughed for 20 minutes. 8 5 0 Third Avenue
attempted murder. A lot of people will New York City, N. Y. 1 0 0 2 2
disagree, which is their right, and say that Michael Iacono
guns should be banned because they kill. Medford, Mass. Y o u r ridiculous plug w a s j u s t watt I needed
May I point out that on this basis, auto- BEACH MOVIE to jolt me into t a k i n g cash from my bank volt
mobiles should have been banned fifty
years ago for the same reason. w h e r e I socket! I j u s t couldn't re-fusel With
Robert Fraser today's electrifying headlines, MAD's light
Cohasset, Mass.
reading is a w e l c o m e insulation! More power

Once again, your sharp-witted penmen t o y o u ! N o w , I'll probably get amps in my pants
must be congratulated. Your "Gun Own- —waiting for each issue to arrive at my shockl
ers Primer" effectively underlined the
need for legislation controlling the sale • I enclose $2.00.* Please enter my name on your sub-
and ownership of firearms. Once a prob- scription list, and mail me the next 8 issues of MAD
lem is exposed for all to examine, ade- • I enclose $5.00.** Please enter my name on your sub-
quate solutions based on the needs and scription list, and mail me the next 24 issues of MAO!
ideas of the majority are more easily come
by. Senator Dodd has pointed out the dan- NAME
gers, but MAD has, by humorous ap-
proach, given voice to the necessity for ADDRESS
change so that responsible sportsmen, gun
collectors and other law abiding citizens CITY
will no longer suffer because of the ac- STATE Zip Code
tions of disturbed individuals and other I was going to invite you all to the
violators who can now obtain lethal weap- preview of my new picture, "Beach Party •Outside U.S.A., $2.50. " O u t s i d e U.S.A., $6.25.
ons so easily. Keep up the good work. Bingo"—but after seeing what you did to Please allow 8 weeks for your subscription to be processed. We
"Beach Movies," I changed my mind. cannot be responsible for cash lost or stolen in the mails.
Ralph Cassado Bobbi Shaw Check or Money Order preferred.
Chicago, 111. Malibu, Calif. PUBLIC NOTICE
Register MAD Writers—not firearms! Please address all correspondence to: Golly, we wish the public would notice these ri-
John Vitz M A D , Dept. 9 7 , 850 Third Avenue
diculous little ads offering full-color portraits of
Bakersfield, Calif. Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's "What-Me Worry?" kid,
New York City, N e w York 10022 for 25^ each (3 for 50tf). Then, maybe somebody
would mail money to: MAD, Dept. "What—Color?",
850 Third Avenue, New York City, New York 10022
 BLUE C H I P S O F F T H E O L D B L O C K DEPT.
M A D , consumed w i t h guilt, feels that it owes something to
lovable o l ' Charlie Schulz, the creator of "Peanuts". T w o
of his very successful books: "Happiness Is A Warm Puppy"
and " / Can Use All The Friends I Can G e t " were the inspira-
tion for t w o very successful M A D satires: "Misery Is A
Cold Hot Dog" and " / Got All The Finks I Need". So now, by
way of returning the favor, and since turnabout is fair
play, we are publishing the following article in hopes that
it w i l l inspire Mr. Schulz to write another successful book.

Being rich is having someone else put

things back where you got them from. Being rich is never being told to save your money for a rainy day.

Being rich is being able to buy

all the Bubble Gum you want Being rich is getting clothes Being rich is not having
just to get the Trading Cards. you don't have to grow into. to sneak food to your dog.

Being rich is being able to afford to have

your neighborhood bully taken care of. Being rich is having all the wood you need to build things.
a warn PQMFW ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE

Being rich is not having to change your Being rich is having parents who
clothes before you can go out and play. buy all your Girl Scout Cookies.

Being rich is not getting

Being rich is being allowed to play in any room of the house. scolded for losing things.

Being rich is not getting one Being rich is getting a reward for Being rich is having a Daddy who can
single useful or practical gift doing something that every other take you places, even during the day
for Christmas or your birthday. kid has to do for nothing. in the middle of the week.
 Being rich is getting brand new clothes when you need Being rich is always getting sandwiches
them, even though you have lots of older sisters. with the crusts cut away.

Being rich is having your own room, even though you have brothers
Being rich is being able to lend money to all
your pals without worrying about getting it back.

Being rich is owning a ball

Being rich is not worrying Being rich is having someone to for every kind of game
about over-due Library books. take care of your kid sister. so you won't be left out.

Being rich is getting every Sunday

6
Newspaper that has Color Comics. Being rich is visiting your Father's office and not worrying how you behave.
Being rich is knowing at least one grown-up
who doesn't treat you like a stupid kid. Being rich is being able to invite anyone you want to eat over.

Being rich is borrowing on

jb!g2222i next week's allowance and your
Being rich is breaking all your toys right after Christmas, and no one caring. parents never remembering it.

Being rich is getting new batteries for all Being rich is having all the pets you want
your toys as soon as you need them. and not having to take care of them.

Being rich is having parents who worry if you got hurt Being rich is leaving food on your plate and not getting
even when you accidentally break something expensive. a lecture about how people are starving in Europe. 7
D O N M A R T I N DEPT. PART I
Gad! It's my husband! He's apparently
fallen out of the window, and now he's
hanging on with only two fingers!
We've got to act fast to save him!
 INDIAN CORN DEPT.
A NEW TREND IS DEVELOPING IN "WESTERN MOVIES" THESE D A Y S . . . A TREND WHICH
IS MAKING IT HARDER THAN EVER TO TELL THE HEROES FROM THE VILLAINS. ALL OF
A SUDDEN, FILM-MAKERS ARE TAKING A LONG (AND DIFFERENT) LOOK AT THE INDIAN,
AND "MOVIES ARE REDDER THAN EVER"! BUT WE'LL LET YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF A S -

MAD GOES TO A SCREENING OF

4^J£N$&.
ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: LARRYSIEGEL

Boy . . . you
But, Mr. Furd! This is the only sensitive certainly know
and intelligent film on intolerance I could how to hurt
find here in the projection room! The only an immortal
other movie I see here is that latest bomb director,
YOU made called "Cheyenne Awful" . . . don't you!

The purpose of this movie will be to show how the Indians

CHEYENNE AWFUL <<y^

have been exploited and cruelly treated by the White Men.
As the picture opens, we see the last of the Cheyenne Tribe
waiting for the Americans to give them back their homeland!
STARRING
(In alphabetical order)
_r_i_
If there's XT Like I said—if
Richard W I D E M A R K one thing l Notice how the Director gave there's one thing I
can't stand, the five leading Indian roles can't stand, it's
Carol BABYDOLL it's being to three Spaniards, an American being exploited by
Sal M E A N I O exploited and an Italian, while we REAL the White Man!
Gilbert R O L A N D O by the Indians play crummy extras!
White Man!
Ricardo MENTALBLOCK
Delores DEL DELORES
Victor G O R Y
Karl MALTED AND AND AND
Patrick WAINE James STEWED Edward G. R O B I N H O O D
IMPORTANT HISTORICAL NOTE: THESE NAMES ARE LISTED IN
ALPHABETICAL ORDER ACCORDING TO THE INDIAN ALPHABET!
Richard Widemark plays Capt. Tom Arches, and, in the Naturally, you can't show sexy love scenes involving
interests of good taste, I hired Carol B a b y d o l l . . . a Quaker, so I developed an adorable clean gimmick
fresh from "The Carpetsweepers" and a nude layout in V*^> for Capt. Arches to express his love—a blackboard!
"Playguy Magazine" to play the Quaker school teacher!
Let's see: Since " I love you more than life itself" Look, here's
You cal and " I think of you with my every breath" are an apple!
posing nude Well, an independent clauses, you should put a comma before What do you
for Playguy awful lot of " a n d " ! And since " m e " is the objective and not the say we just
Magazine red-blooded nominative case, it should read "you and I " instead forget the
turning to urban American of "you and me"! You get a 78 in Composition, a B whole "love"
religion? males consider in Grammar, a C in Penmanship and— bit?
it their
BIBLE!

Actually, I was as confused making the film as the audience will And sometimes I have the Indians talk "English"
be when they see it! Sometimes I have the Indians talk "Indian"—

Americans double-cross Indians, School

Teacher! Indians go back to homeland
themselves, School Teacher! You come
with us to teach children, School
Teacher? What you say, School Teacher?

Goodbye, Officer of the Yellow Hair! Fred? That's the And sometimes, I don't know what the Indians are talking!
Goodbye, Sergeant of the Foul Mouth! Who's mountain
Goodbye, Major of the Smoking Cigar! Fred? behind us! "j
Goodbye, Friendly Army Horse of the Mugumba ughum Oobah tonto What are they Actually, they're
Matted Mane! Goodbye, Fred . . . forked tongue many-many talking—"Indian" talking "Indian-
y palabras buffalo de with an "American" English" with a
vummbah ole! keemo-savvy accent, or "English" Spanish accent!
desi arnez! with an Indian
accent?
 I want you to pay particular attention to this next Patrick Waine, flushed with defeat from his recent
historic movie scene—with Sal Meanio playing the
young Indian Brave, "Torn Shirt"—because in it, I
express all of my compassion for the poor Indians!
*W failure in "At The Alamo," plays the hot-headed Lt.
Scat. When I first saw this boy's test for the part,
I was so affected that there were tears in my eyesl

I don't dig it, Sal! In what way is Mr. He's not OWW! OUCH! Oooh . . . Okay, Duke!
Furd expressing all of his compassion letting OKAY! I'll hire your son for the
for the poor Indian with this scene? me sing! role! Okay, I'll hire him! Ooohh!!

The Cheyenne continue their arduous trek back home, pursued by the U.S. Army. Suddenly, their ailing old chief collapses!

I am dying, my sons! I have chosen you, Dull Spoon, to Give me I can prove I'm I can't tell
take my place and lead the Tribe! Here is the Sacred the bundle! Dull Spoon! I have those two guys
Bundle! Guard it with your life! It contains all of I am a Spanish accent, apart! They're
the secret documents of the Cheyenne Indians . . . three Dull Spoon! and the Make-up as bad as
pair of dirty socks, four handkerchiefs, two sweat- Man gave me a big, Chinese Waiters!
shirts and . . . Ooops! Wrong bundle! crooked nose!

This next scene is bound to win me an Oscar in the category of "Confusion in a Color And now, about here, comes the
Film." It's a pointless card game sequence which not only destroys the image of Wyatt part that both critics and film
Earp as an outstanding Western hero, but of Jimmy Stewed as an intelligent actor as welll fans alike will unanimously agree
is the strongest and best 15
minutes of the picture . . .

SP
The Cheyenne give up their trek and decide to surrender to the Americans I talked Karl out of changing his name for the film,
at Ft. Robinson. I remember when I first asked distinguished actor Karl and after we saw the first "rushes" of the picture,
Malted to play the part of Capt. Weasel, the Commander of the F o r t . . . the Producer had to talk ME out of changing MINE!

I read the script of your movie, John, ._. Two, you let You let Listen, mein Indians, I don't vant to lock you hup!
and to save embarrassment, I'll play me disguise me change I am a good Cherman-American officer! I am merely
in it on three conditions: One, you my face with my name following orders! But zis I promise you—I vill
let me disguise my voice with a thick a big, bushy Okay! to Buddy
What's the treat you very kind! All Chermans are very kind!
German accent. . . moustache . . , Ebsen!
third T
idition? Oh—jahvohl! I almost forgot! All Jewish I n d i a n s -
line up outside for showers . . .

Now for the amazing character transformation of Lt. Scat, Then, I decided that the character transformation was too fast! A time-
the Indian-hater. I originally shot the scene this way— lapse was necessary in order for Lt. Scat to realistically change from an
Indian-hater to an Indian-lover. So this is how I re-shot the scene—
l hate the dirty rotten Redskins! I despise the ground
they walk on! The only good Indian is a dead Indian! Of I hate the dirty Of course, they're I don't Can't you
course, they're human beings like the rest of us, and rotten Redskins! human beings like the understand! see, idiot!
now that I've thought about it, I've decided that I love I despise the rest of us, and now That's the Two
them all dearly! So come back, poor mistreated Indian; ground they walk that I've thought about same speech balloons!
and let me kiss your weather-beaten red cheeks! on! The only it, I've decided that as the last TWO
good Indian is I love them all dearly! one! Where's BALLOONS!
a dead Indian! So come back, poor the
But-but— mistreated Indians and time-lapse?
let me kiss your
weather-beaten cheeks!
 And now, while the Cheyenne are hiding out in a cave, I must leave you. I have to see John
Waine about breaking up our life-long friendship! Enjoy the rest of the picture, folks . . .

Okay, men—we're ready Idiot Hold it, men! Don't shoot Hey! What happened
to blast those Redskins Sir—look! Off We're the the Indians! This gentleman to Edward G.
to bits, and nothing can in the distance! U.S. with me is the Secretary of Robinhood who plays
save them! Get ready . . . It's the U.S. Cavalry! the Interior! He has orders the Secretary of the
Aim . . . Cavalry—to ~ 7 - ^ ^ from Washington to save the Interior!?
the rescue! Cheyenne and give them back
their homeland!

Headquarters Tepee
.. mfl&
CHEYENNE INDIAN TRIBE
Well, I'll No, he's Hmmm! Here is the Sacred Big Rock, Arizona
be—Edward Why doing a Bundle of the Cheyenne
G. Robinhood
Dear White Men Movie-Makers:
not, Sir? TV "Coffee Tribe! I understand it
can't make Another Commercial"! contains important secret
For many moons, you have pictured us in
it today! your films as hateful savages. Recently,
Indian Indian documents! I however, your consciences seem to be both-
uprising? wonder what they are!? ering you, and you have finally come to
realize that we were really not so bad after
all, and that perhaps it was you who wronged
us!
This is okay with us. If you want to
make our lives a little easier, we have no
objections.
However, do us one favor/ If you plan on
making any more movies like "Cheyenne Aw-
ful" -- which show us as "good guys" please
dpn.ltI Believe us, we'd much rather be
"bad guys"!
So from now on, portray us as we were in
the old-type Westerns, running around in
funny war paint, whooping, dancing, at-
tacking your wagon trains, scalping you
and generally carrying on like a bunch of
wild White Men!
Frankly, those pictures were a lot less
embarrassing to us than this one1

Very truly yours,

Big Tree 3l(*T&£'^.
BT/is
CHIEF OF CHEYENNE TRIBE 5
 CANNED LAUGHTER DEPT.

A mm H@®K ®s

14
^ ^ 15
 ©

16
-flsRewS.
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART
 HEADLINE ACTS PEPT. to NS^.v..
T h e fiercest struggle in the world today is not taking place in Vietnam or Cyprus or the Congo. It is
taking place on our T V sets every weekday evening. That's when Walter Cronkite of CBS locks horns
with NBC's Huntley and Brinkley in " T h e Battle of the Newscasters." It's been an uphill fight for
Cronkite. Huntley and Brinkley throw in lots of quips and funny observations, and this makes the
Cronkite show seem dull. Obviously, Walt should make his news shows more entertaining. If he were
smart, he'd borrow the style of the greatest T V Showman of them all—Ed Sullivan. Let's take a look
at what might h a p p e n if Walter Cronkite were to follow the Sullivan approach as MAD presents . . .

THE

WALT CRONKITE
ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: FRANK JACOBS SHOW
Good evening, Hello there, my little chickadees! We have a really big shew * Doctors say Nasser's insane!
ladies and p on our stage tonight: That great comedy team from Havana, the Six Germans crawl through a hole in T h e Wall!
gentlemen! Castro Brothers—the Security Council Singers from the U.N.— . An earthquake's destroying Peru!
Tonight—live Three acrobatic defectors from Bulgaria—and—please hold your Yes, we've got the Big News for you!
from New York— applause—making their debut on our really big stage—six new
THE WALT African Nations! But first—let's open our show with "TODAY'S
CRONKITE SHOW! HEADLINES", presented by the CBS Singing Newsboys . . . Harry Khruschev is hiding in Spain!
And here he is— Reasoner, Bob Trout, Roger Mudd and Mike Wallace! Eight Vietnamese catch a jungle disease
Walt Cronkite!! When they seize a Chinese passing through!
And here they are . . . Yes, we've got the Big News for you!

We've got the news about L.B.J. I Russia unveils a new plane! And now, let's welcome that musical trio
And all the things that puzzle 'im! We say it spies as it flies through the skies, who have kept the Republicans rocking
We've got the news about Cassius Clay But the Kremlin denies that it's true! for the past twenty years—a big hand for
And why he's now a Black Muslim 1 Yes, we've got the Big News for you! The G.O.P. Three—Tom, Dick and Barry!
 Tom Dewey and mel
And Barry makes three!
Together we're
Three Sad Losers!

|Thank you! T h a n k " First, let's have a hand ' Next, let's hear it for And finally, let's all We've been getting a lot of
you! The G.O.P. | for that colorful dictator King Feisal of Saudi welcome those two funny letters asking us to bring
will be back I who's knocking 'em dead Arabia, who's here comics without whom this back President Johnson and
again in 4 years S every day in his native with 58 wives, 12 program would never have his little friend, Hubert!
with the same Spain . . . Generalissimo bodyguards and 3 come about—Chet Huntley Well, tonight, you're in
old song! Franco! Stand up and take vice-presidents of and Dave Brinkley! luck! So let's switch to
a bow, Frankie . . . Standard Oil! Nice to have you here Washington, D.C.—and take
Hi, Fi . . . tonight, fellows it away, President Johnson-

-2LC^

/4s i
i<«SbV f " .'

:s; *&jJj?Wj
r*7
Say hello to the people, Hubert! Now that you are Vice-President, how
do you like presiding over the Senate?
Hello!
I do just like you tell me!
How is everything on Capitol Hill? I sit in the big chair . . . Yes!
All right! All right? And I pound the big gavel. . . Yes!
All right! All right!!
And I recognize all the Democrats! Yes!
And I ignore all the Republicans! Very good!
•Today, Mr. President, I bring you a Ah, Senator Dirksen is in the box! | It is good to be out of the box! |
5 gift from the Senate! Open the box! You bring me a nice gift, Hubert!^
11 want you to do me a favor, Senator! j
1 should open Open the Gift is all right? All right! What kind of a favor?
the box... ? j box!
All right! All right!! want you to vote for the housing bill!
Is it a Republican housing bill? |
No, it is a Democratic housing bill! |
Close the

It is too bad Yes, especially since It looks like Senator Dirksen will And now, let's turn to the world of Sports!
that Senator if he votes for the vote for the housing bill after all! This year, Baseball has a brand new act!
Dirksen won't housing bill, the Shall I take him back to the Senate? Yogi Berra has left the Yankees and is back
come out of Government will give with his old buddy, Casey Stengel! So let's
the box! his State ten billion No, Hubert, leave him here! He
will make a nice playmate for Luci give a really big welcome t o that Dazzling
dollars in defense |Diamond Duet—Casey Stengel and Yogi Berra!
contracts! and Linda Bird! All right?

f/

% I was hired by the Yankee team! Though the Yanks Years ago, Well, that's it for tonight,
I made sure the ballclub reigned supreme! Pulled the rug out, I was back there! ladies and gentlemen! Tomorrow
Now 1 find that it was all a dream! You've a place And I, too, night, we'll have another
I wonder why? I wonder why? In our dugout! Got the sack there! r-r-really big shew! Col. Nasser
Over here, 'Cause they said will be on our stage with his
I had pitching that was no darn good! trained camel, Omar . . .
Baseball's fun to play! I was old and gray!
Still we topped the league like Yankees should!
! Then they told me I was not their guy! Then, that famous escape-artist,
It's a shame
Jimmy Hoffa, will work his way
I got the Big Goodbye! You were fired! lout of twelve Federal Indictments
' I wonder why! But relax— . . . while handcuffed . . .
You've been hired!
And this year, Juan Peron will introduce a new
Ulcers you won't get! Argentine tango . . . and finally,
for the first time on any stage
•• — Though we're in no . . . Pakistan!
j,-^(k pennant race;
ft. ^ T h o u g h we're always
in last place;
S^You won't care—
You're just a MET!

"Sung to the tune of "You're Just In Love'

DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

IN THE DESERT
i.<;0.'n

ggsz?** •".;. <££^

 jsmLTtx eQ
ONE FOR THE ROAD DEPT. *&-—&
It takes thousands of nuts to put a car together, but it only takes one nut to scatter a car all
over the road. This article is dedicated to the thousands of nuts who put cars together-and then
scatter them all over the road. Mainly, here is our version of the type of magazines they read:

CUSTOMIZE YOUR '65 MUSTANG INTO A '39 DODGE FOR LESS THAN $16,000

LOAD tf CRASH
THE HIGH I N S U R A N C E R I S K ' S MAGAZINE
NOVEMBER 1965 3/6 IN ENGLAND 604 IN CANADA $145 INCLUDING FUNERAL AT FORESTLAWN

Tooling Through Mexico in the new Finsta Potra Z-B

9.716 M.P.H. AT SEBRING ON A SOUPED-UP MASSEY-FERGUSON TRACTOR
SHORT-SHORT FEATURE: THE KAISER-FRAZER ERA IN AMERICAN MOTORING

I Flunked M y Driver's Test In a 3 4 0 HP Ferrari

EXTREMELY SHORT-SHORT FEATURE: THE EDSEL ERA IN AMERICAN MOTORING

THINGS TO COME: A SNEAK PREVIEW OF THE 1966 CADILLAC MAIL TRUCK

Is The '29 Essex A True Classic ? * Getting Car Sick In An Alfa-Romeo
2 3
A R T I S T : GEORGE W O O D B R I D G E W R I T E R : T O M KOCH
 WHAT'S NEW
THE LATEST F R O M M O T O R O O M ' S MARKETPLACE
TECHNICAL
TALKS
by Edith Barnstable

I have done a thorough job of souping up

my '24 Stearns-Knight with dual carbs, a full-
blown house, Smitty muffler, etc. However at the
same time I was overhauling the engine, I in-
stalled square wheels. I figured that the finished
product would do at least 110 M.P.H. But for
some reason, it won't move at all. What do you
think my trouble might be?
-M.M.C., Salt Lake City

The '24 Stearns-Knight was a straight six

with overhead cams. It was never meant to be
The Classic Marmon V-16 in kit form is the latest offering of Monstrous Motor equipped with dual carbs. The trouble may be
Models, Racine, Wis. No auto enthusiast will want t o pass up the chance to there, or it may that the car is moving but that
create his own replica of this famous vintage machine. Scaled down to parts
too small to be grasped by human fingers, it's the ideal gift for driving Dad all the scenery around Salt Lake City looks so
or other annoying relatives out of their minds. Price $4.98 much alike that you have the illusion of standing
still.

I have had a tappet noise in my head for

almost 10,000,000 miles now. The head of my
car, I mean. It is a '51 Blewitt, a make which
never got into full production for a number of
reasons, mostly legal. I have rebored the head,
stymied the vale sleeves, grannished the crank-
case, unduffered the pistons and shuffled the
rods. However, I still have the tappet noise. Is
this possible?
-W.S.P., Loon Lake, Ore.
Yes.

The Copy Cat Manufacturing Co. of Sarasota, Fla., has begun production of T h e instruction manual that came with my
authentic full size replicas of the fabulous Model T. An ideal attention-
getter for all business and promotional purposes, the modern version is an
'54 Chevy says that the windshield should be
exact copy of its famed great-granddaddy, even down to such details as washed occasionally. What does this mean?
the unperfected transmission which caused the original to slip into high gear —L.C.F., Akron, Ohio
while unoccupied. Henry Ford sold 15,000,000 of these durable cars for $290.
Now a sparkling new replica can be yours for $2,250 F.O.B.Sarasota, Florida. Auto instruction manuals often use terms
which apply to one make or year, but not to
others. A qualified mechanic may be able to help
you with this problem, but I doubt it.

Is it true that '65 Paisano-Lasagna has

gauges registering ergs per RPM, AC-DC volt-
age, foot-pounds per man-hours, and minutes
left to play?
-C.C.D., Kansas City, Kan.

Only the J-660 and X-K-L models, neither of

which are available in this country.

I have been itching to get behind the wheel

of the new 400 H P Maserati Runabout to see
what those 400 horses can really do. Can you give
Dangerous distortion created by modern curved windshields is ended forever me any advice before I buy it?
with this flat, perpendicular replacement recently put on the market by the
Eagle-Eye Glass Co. of Latrobe, Pa. A leading producer of auto windshields,
-D.A.F., St. Louis, Mo.
until the invention of safety glass forced the firm to the brink of bankruptcy,
Eagle-Eye now bounces back stronger than ever to correct the bungles of You will find that scratching without bump-
larger manufacturers. Guaranteed to provide normal road vision through ing into the Overdrive Switch on the 400 HP
the clever use of uncurved, untinted plate glass, Eagle-Eye windshields can Maserati Runabout is a factor that any potential
be easily installed by the do-it-yourselfer once the hazardous original equip- buyer with a skin irritation should give more
ment on late model cars had been smashed and disposed of. Price $35.98 than passing consideration.
 Test Driving The All-New Shakibutsu
Micro-Mi ni-MidgetV-Zero
By Len Furdy

I
T WOULD APPEAR that Shakibutsu's incredible engi- convenience is somewhat diminished by the fact that the
neering team of Wun-Cheep Nip and O. So-Slik has gauges are merely printed on cardboard, glued to the metal
done it again. Placing an easily-broken coil spring power dash, and otherwise not connected to anything.
plant inside a flimsy rolled-tin body, the pair has come up Trunk space is described by the manufacturer in cubic
with an economical run-about that combines the easy maneu- millimeters, creating the illusion that something larger than
verability of a compact with the type of unbelievable work- a box of cough drops can be carried in it. However, careful
manship that American motorists have come to expect from (cont. on page 97)
Shakibutsu.
The author went through the unique experience of piloting
the Far Eastern firm's entry in the 1964 Mobilgas Economy
Run. Finishing the cross-country jaunt less than a year later,
I felt that I had given the Micro-Mini-Midget a fair trial Road Test Results
under all types of driving conditions, and found it a car that
defies description in virtually every category. The Mobilgas
people apparently shared my opinion after discovering that
the wind-up motor has propelled the trim little V-Zero 3,261 GENERAL PRICE
miles on no gasoline at all. The result of the record smashing Curb weight 6 lbs. 11 oz. Basic list at P.O.E $7.98
performance was federal legislation jammed through Con- Wheelbase 19% in. Delivered price including taxes,
gress by the oil lobby which places a $1,700 import tax on Over-all length 23 in. accessories, etc $2,007.98
every Micro-Mini-Midget carried into this country. Height 14% in.
Steering type Piano wire &
The new tax added to the factory's suggested P.O.E. retail chewing gum. PERFORMANCE
price of $7.98 places Shakibutsu's stripped down model in Turnin
6 radius m ft
- Top speed 4% mph.
the ridiculous position of competing with the Volkswagen Acceleration:
and a handful of domestic compacts. Officials of the Tokyo SPECIFICATIONS M mph..58 sec.
based firm frankly admit that their sole hope of gaining a 0-2 mph..3 mm., 44 sec.
foothold in the U.S. market is to push the V-Zero as a third Engine type wind-up, utilizing 0-3 mph..49 min., 12 sec.
car for American families with two-car garages. standard skate key. 0-4 mph..3 hrs., 6 min., 23 sec.
Arrangement 36 mos. to pay. fj-top speed About 2 days.
In design, the V-Zero has undergone only a minor face-
Horsepower 7/100 @ 6 rpm.
lifting since the Christmas season of 1963 when a pedal- Mantle 310. S P E E D O M E T E R ERROR
driven version was introduced as a gift item for the 3-to-8- Torque @ rpm Ib-ft
year-old group. The interior remains starkly simple. The Howzzat again? 40 mph indicated, Actual 1.7 mph.
author found the instrument panel easy to read, but this Bore utter 90 mph indicated, Actual 3.1 mph.
 FROM
swap*
DETROIT SWiNDie
ADVERTISING RATES: 9(ty per line, except that 1 line in 3 issues is
50% more than 3 lines in 1 issue. However, there is a 10% dis-
count for 3 lines in 3 issues, based on the triple insertion cost ot
3 lines in 1 issue, and a 10% surcharge for 1 line in 1 issue,
whichever occurs first. We are not responsible for the honesty of
any ad, or for anyone understanding our advertising rates.

Forecasts And Facts From The Motor Capital FOR SALE

'27 WILLS ST. CLAIRE 3-dr. ambulance. Only one of its kind ever
built due to failure of small engine to propel oversized body.
Parts impossible to buy, but makes wonderful sleep-out shelter
for the kiddies. Terrible condition, but easily restored by any one
A TOURING CAR BY KAISER-WILLYS FOR '66? crazy enough to want it. $800. L. L. Schlepp, 484 Rolling Meadow
A survey by the firm's History Department, designed to discover which of Lane, Brooklyn, N . Y .
the company's failures had been longest endured by the public before going '65 ROCCO-BAMBINI Super Sport Fastback. Never driven by pre-
blooey, arouses industry speculation that the 1920 Overland may be put sent owner. In fact, physical proportions of previous owner are
inconceivable. Speedometer reads 500 miles, all clocked under
back into production for the 1966 model year. With such notable fiascoes
as the Frater, the Americar and the sporty Jeepster ranking high on the list
of all-time automotive blunders, the sturdy Overland shapes up as the com-
pany's best hope for the future. Executives remain mum, and the inside
word is that leaders of the firm are split over the issue of isinglass curtains
for the new entry in the medium priced field.

BUGS REMAIN IN PIERCE-ARROW'S JET.

Word from the supposedly-abandoned Pierce-Arrow proving ground has it
that the company's bid for a comeback with a jet-propelled sportster may
be delayed until 1973 or 1974. Whispers emanating from the rumor mill •NA
careful supervision at Indianapolis Speedway. Original cost
indicate that a few bugs have yet to be worked out of the engine, and that $22,000. Sacrifice for $21,995. Leadfoot Lindstrom, Box 7, Bon-
the first jet test-car incinerated four mechanics standing behind it and caused neville, Utah.
the whole east wing of the factory to be destroyed by flames. 1837 FRONTIER LANDAU CONVERTIBLE. Believed to be the oldest
classic auto in existence. Complete, except for the two horses
apparently used by the original owner to pull it. Ideal for display
use or helping other classic car owners form a circle in case of
DO TIRE MANUFACTURERS KNOW MORE THAN THEY'RE LETTING ON? an Indian attack. $1,975. Rufe Strettlemayer c / o Bunt Farm,
P.O. 47, Upper Gulch, Wyo.
According to the most reliable reports filtering into the motor capital from
Akron, probably not. WANTED
LEFT HEADLIGHT for '31 Hudson. No owners of right headlight
need apply. Please do not send me any more right ones as this
type can only be fitted into left bracket by reverse placement
VOLKSWAGEN MAY MOVE TO DETROIT. causing beam to shine toward rear of car. I am sick and tired
At least, so goes the story making the rounds in the motor capital. Probable of receiving right headlights, many arriving with postage due. I
already have a right headlight, and as a taxpaying American,
reason: VW plans to scrap its beetle design after almost 20 years in favor resent this indifference of the general public toward my previous
ads. Disgusted, Box 779, West Covina, Calif.
of an updated version replete with massive chrome, high tail fins and power
extras, all set on a frame approximately four feet longer than that of the BATTERY CHARGER suitable for use with either Model 550 Detroit
Electric Phaeton, or Model 3-D Eveready Flashlight. Newby, 217
current model. With American motorists shaping up as the only potential Warren Hull Memorial Drive, Beverly Hills, Cal.
buyers in the world, VW brass may well close down the German plant com-
pletely and move all operations to the U.S.A. WILL SWAP
CLASSIC '41 CHEVY—4 Dr. Sedan. Faded maroon, loose connecting
rods, shot transmission and many other extras. Will trade this
dandy collectors item for any common '63 or '64 convertible.
A CHEVIAC BY G.M. FOR 1967? Lucas Fribble, State Unemployment Office, Waiting Line 6, Chi-
cago, 111.
General Motors officials reportedly have found a small hole in their present
price line which may be filled in '67 with the introduction of a new car to LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP I N DANCE STUDIO. Original cost $17,000.
Will trade for any kind of car. I gotta get away from these
plug the gap between the Chevrolet Impala (top price $2,980.50) and the crooks. I. M. Schlemiel, Cha-Cha Drive, Ft. Wayne, Ind.
standard Pontiac (base price $2,983.75) With Corvair, Chevelle and Chevy
RARE BACK NUMBERS OF EARLY AUTO MAGAZINES, recently found in
II already overlapping nicely to the complete bewilderment of the public, my waiting room under later issues of Colliers. Will swap for
the new line, tentatively labelled the Cheviac, appears a natural for the shop- X-Ray Outfit or impressively-framed Medical School Diploma.
Dr. Nimble Kwaque, Suite 557, Peddlers of Mercy Building, Day-
ping motorist with $2,982.12'/2 to spend. ton, Ohio.
 THREE YEARS
WORK
RESTORING
AN
APPERSON
JACK RABBIT
by Waldo Boomschlager
GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET Aug. 23, 1955. That was the

1 date I stumbled across my big find, a 1916 Apperson

Jack Rabbit in restorable condition sitting quietly in
a barn lot near Neenah, Wis.
Evelyn, whom I had planned at the time to marry but
later didn't, was with me as we made our way unsuspect-
ingly down the back country road. We were really in search
of milk glass, which Evelyn collects and which still abounds
in that part of the country.
Evelyn already had 700 pieces of the beautiful glass, most
of which she had inherited from her late aunt who had re-
sided in Elkhart, Ind. The aunt, whose name, as I recall, was
either Birdie Wingate or Esther Agnew, had never married,
but rather had devoted her life to the milk glass collection.
Miss Wingate (or Miss Agnew) had been engaged at one
time to a Cpl. Wilfred Hungerford who lived just outside of
Elkhart on one of the major inter-urban lines. But Cpl.
Hungerford became a mail handler on the old South Bend,
Toledo and Spokane Railroad and ultimately married a girl
half his age.
In time, the South Bend, Toledo and Spokane merged
with the Pere Marquette to become the Southern Pacific in
one of the more bold strokes of finance put over by Jay
Hannah.
Hannah's original plan had merely been to extend the
lines of the Baltimore and Ohio to Honolulu. But before the
track laying had progressed more than 200 miles west of
San Francisco, the entire venture was abandoned as imprac-
tical.
Hannah's decision to give up the Honolulu branch was
thought to be directly responsible for the suicide of Romney
L. Gruber, who had been selected to head that division.
Gruber mentioned only poor health in the note he left, and
it is true that he had been suffering from hemorrhoids since
shortly after the Spanish-American war. But those who knew
(cont. on page 97)
 CHARLIES

OT HARDLY WHATSOEVER did I realize that I was becoming a

CLASSIC SALON" N vintage, classic automobile collector when I hung a $175

price tag on the '58 bilious blue clunk you sees pictures
of on this here page. Depending on a fast turnover the way I got
to if I'm going to make a buck on the kind of scrap iron I handle, I
confinemented my early restoration work to putting enough saw-
dust in the crankcase to quiet down the motor so's the salesmen
wouldn't be drownded out complete while they was giving their
pitch.
Needlessly to say, I figured the rad., htr., w.s.w. and aut.
trans, would nail us a pigeon before I had the misfortunate expe-
rience of getting too attached to this fat-headed example of De-
A NIGHTMARE RE-LIVED troit know-how. Whatsoever, my perfunctional feelings about the
heap was destined to underwent a change as the Fall of 1963
STORY AND PHOTOS BY CHARLES L. SWINDLEMIRE drifted like usual into Winter. Despite the factor that by which
time I had reductioned the price to $99 and figured to add on the
balance of the $175 as carrying charges, my efforts met with
growing public heedlessment.
On either hand, presumptuously hot sales prospects who
turned out to be smarter than I thought, filled my noggin with a
fund of lore about the Edsel, none of which I had previously
knew before. I come to find out that the car, originally designed
to meet a demand of which there wasn't any, had surpassed the
exceptions of all in such performance cataclisms as guzzling gas,
putting up wind resistance which resulted in a funny whistling
noise and being too big to fit in most garages. After cutting the
price to where the heap eventual became a free door prize nobody
would take, it come to dawn inside my head that I had unwitt-
lessly got to be an Edsel collector.
I learnt to my surprise that I was not the only dealer in town
what had got interested on the subject in such a way, and to-
gether with others who was situated similarly like I was, we formed
the first chapter of E.O.A. (Edsel Owners Anonymous). Today,
we can boast of having saved innumerous dealers from knocking
theirselves off by arranging for our members to rush over and get
drunk with them whenever they think of the dough they got tied
up in Edsels.
Truly a example of automobile history we should forget,
(cont. on page 97)
 DOUBLE-TALK DEPT. WHEN THEY SAY... 1 IT REALLY MEANS
Politicians, celebrities, teachers,
parents, businessmen . . . they're all
making important statements these
days. The trouble is, they usually
E Another^ rate i ncrease is or
« ami

say one thing, and mean another. And

there's nobody around to translate
for you ordinary clods! Except maybe
us, the fearless men of MAD! (Who's
around to translate the statements
WE make that say one thing and mean
something else is another problem!)
mWrnmiii M
Anyway, all this brings us to this ..
next article, which offers examples •[Pjl
to help you differentiate between—
i JPI
°F*' Kf © 1
i

WHAT
<30 I
^f BL\/ RJn
WHEN THEY SAY... I IT REALLY MEANS
THEY We have nothing against the boy,
darling—it's just that you're
both so terribly young!
Wait until you find a boy of your
own religion who's got money!

SAY
AND
WHAT
IT WHEN THEY SAY... I IT REALLY MEANS

REALLY
MEANS
ARTIST: PAUL COKER JR.
WRITERS: RONALD AXE & SOL WEINSTEIN
WHEN THEY SAY... I IT REALLY MEANS... WHEN THEY SAY...
This network is always on the lookout
for the new, the fresh, the daring,
the off-beat...

£gAHDO(Vl

PROPER
JfcANtxE
* #r £ *
IT REALLY MEANS... • WHEN THEY SAY... I IT REALLY MEANS...
I'd like to get another professional
opinion in your case! [ I'd liftke to boost your bill
with sc
some "Fee-Splitting"

I don't believe in stifling , I've tried to discipline him

his self-expression! and failed completely!

Charlie, I tell you, she's 1 J She's ugly-

got a great personality!

1 —
It was love at first sight! 1 think 1 think
she has he has
money! money!
fif/.
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II
SQUADS RIGHT DEPT.
Recently, bleeding-heart liberal newspapers kicked up quite a fuss when it was learned
that, in several cities throughout the United States, some members of the local Police
Force are also members of the super-patriotic "John Birch Society". And so, in order to
clear the air and assure everyone concerned that a Law Enforcement Officer, dedicated
to "The Birch Society" can also do his job and protect members of "The Great Society"

MAD INTERVIEWS A
"JOHN BIRCH SOCIETY"
POLICEMAN
ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITERS: RONALD AXE & SOL WEINSTEIN
 Officer Wright! That Don't jump to conclusions, there— •f.>
old woman was screaming Rossenescu! There's a world of
for help, and you drove difference between violence in the
right by! Isn't it your streets and a few wholesome American
duty to arrest those kids lettin' off a little steam!
hoodlums? I thought you Especially when it's against some
were against violence old bag passing out subversive
in the streets! pamphlets in favor of fluoridation!

We've been Oh . . .? This is Oh, we're just harassing The

crouching And who terrible! Chief! You know—dumping coal
This is what we call a "stake- The Chief of Police!
here for is this Just what on his lawn, calling stores
out"! That's what we do when But he'll be taken care
20 minutes! dangerous are you and ordering things in his
we have a dangerous guy under of—just as soon as the
What's going guy? trying name, listing his house "For
surveillance! In this case, it's rest of the guys show up.
on, anyway? to do? Sale" with real estate brokers,
a rat-fink who's making things Oh, here they come n o w - and generally smearing his good
rough for the few guys on the tfj^dfjgMfou right on time! Hi, gang!! name so he'll be forced to
Force who are real patriots!
quit his job!

But isn't this a rather extreme Shows how much you know! I see . . . and I'm
way of expressing your We're the "Moderates"! also beginning to
dissatisfaction with The Chief!? The "EXTREMISTS" want understand the
SHOOT hii charges of Police
Brutality pending
 All I did was follow accepted
Forget my mother's Police Procedure! When I spotted Nuthin' important! Just some
maiden name! What this crumb jay-walking, I yelled, Moderate Republican assaulting
about this criminal "Halt!" and fired three warning a Humphrey Democrat in an
jay-walker's charges shots—into his legs! To hear integrated neighborhood! But
against you? What those bleeding hearts tell it, I'm not gettin' involved in
really happened? you'd think I killed him! that! Those people take care of
their own! Besides, I can't
afford to be late for the Birch
meeting! A good Policeman is
always punctual, right, Rosenberg?

Well, I gotta be What's a decent and when the Police— And what better words could describe
gettin' backstage! guy from the and by that, ha-ha, I mean the American dream—and by that, I
I'm part of the West doing on OUR Police, take their mean OUR American dream, than the
entertainment to- THAT magazine? rightful place in Society, words inscribed on the Statue of
night! But you'll See ya later, then we'll quickly attain Liberty and slightly revised in this
be okay in here! Roosevelt! that noble vision of America version sung by our John Birch Society
They're not our as outlined by Mr. Robert Glee Club led by that great Policeman
kind of people! Welch in his immortal and great Bircher and soon-to-be our
"Blue Book"! great new Police Chief. . . Jim W.ight!

The
John Birch
Society
MEETING TONIGHT
7:00 P.M.
Tonight's Topic:
"BETTER POLICEMEN
for a
BETTER POLICE STATE"
wM&vs&S^ fc-5>

IS
Give me your tired, your poor, - I And I'll... You -\ You You I Yes, we'll...
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, .Send 'em right back! wretched foreign dirty Send 'em right back
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, I'll send 'em right back! refuse garbage! Commies! to you—ooo-ooo!
Send those, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me I'll send 'em right back!
ooo-ooo!
 BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPT.

A TOURIST FROM SIOUX FALLS, SOUTH DAKOTA,

GAVE A 10* TIP TO A NEW YORK CITY
CAB DRIVER FOR A * 2 . » FARE...
AND WASN'T INSULTED /

HOWEVER, THE CABBX DROVE

OFF WITH HIS LUGGAGE/

BERNIE "fAEKWcK MORAN

Noted Show Business Press Agent
IS LIKELY TO BE HAS NEVER ONCE SAID:
MUGGED BEFORE "SWEETIE" OR "YOU'RE A PUSSYCAT"
HE GOES 0 * "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL^BABY/'
8 BLOCKS /

1*HP NEGLECTED WEEK

IN JULY OF 1964
&LUE C R O S S WENT THROUGH AN
ENTIRE WEEK WITHOUT ONCE
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 BERG'S-EYE VIEW PEPT.
In our last issue,
Dave Berg took a
look at "The Lighter
Side of The Boss"!
However, after our
Boss took a look at
the article, Dave
cooled him off with
this follow-up...

Oh, my gosh! I overslept! Now I'm

going to be late for work again!

Boy, did I Oh, shoot! First there was a big fuss Then, back at the office, some So what's all That's just
have a day And I was because Irwin Donnyfield's clown brought in the new "Playboy" this about not it! I had t o
at the office, looking wife had a baby! Then Ben and we ogled that for a while! Then going out tonight bring the
today! Forget forward started telling off-color jokes! there was a big thing because I because of the stuff home!
about going to it! Then we had our coffee-break! lost my key to the Men's Room! day you had! It I'll be
out tonight! Then I got to talking to that new Then there was another coffee seems to me you working all
cute secretary! And then a buyer break! Then my Mother called did nothing but night to make
took me out for a long lunch and and you know how she can talk! goof off! up for it!
I hadda get bombed with him!

When I was making only $20 Then, when I was earning $75 a But at last came success! Gee, if I was only earning
a week, I used to say, " I f week, I used to say, "If I was only Today, I'm earning TWENTY fifty thousand dollars a
I was only earning $25 a earning $100 a week, I'd be in THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR! year, I'd be in the clear!
week, I'd be in the clear!" the clear!" I could never seem
to get out from under!
 y-f:u

EMPLOYEES WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG

E r . . . uh . . . I . . . let's see . . .
My train . . . No, my car . . . Ohhhh!

Pssst! The What do you mean, "Look

Boss is busy!"? I've just spent
coming! a back-breaking day
Look busy! filing away everything!
I've finally cleared my
—*-cr desk of a three-month's
pile of work!

I think dun no! Charlie just Really, Hey, Say, Boss, Wha-? Hey, the whole Oh, darn! After
I'll move Something told me that Pete! Did you what's this Must be office is moving I went to all
over to about Accounts hear? The about several a rumor! into a new that trouble
that moving to Receivable is Accounting Departments But—well, building across of changing
vacant a vacant moving to Department moving to new that's town! my desk!
desk by office next more spacious is moving to offices in the not a
the door! offices on the new space in building bad idea!
door. . . next floor! the office across the
building next street?
door!
v—
 Hello, Alice? This is Amy! What a night Kaputnik Enterprises! Good morning! Mr. Alice?. Well, there was no Mother there!
I had last night! I went out with Bill, Gumpky? Just a moment! I'll connect you! It was a Bachelor Apartment... Hold on!
and after dinner, he . . . Hold on . . .
i i Alice? So—thinking everything was on Kaputnik Enterprises! Good morning! Mr.
Kaputnik Enterprises! I'll connect you! the up-and-up, I went to his place! Zupp? Just a moment! I'll connect you!
But when we got there . . . Hold on . . . ' i
j [
Alice? So—the minute the door closed
Alice? So he says to me, " I want you to behind me, he starts looking at me like
meet my Mother t o n i g h t " . . . Hold on . . . I was Gina Lolapalooza . . . Hold on . . .

That's what I . . and then we stand around in front Heck! It's Yeah,
love about
Lunch Hour!
of the building for the rest of the one o'clock! darn mm0> e , '
h o u r . . . and watch the girls go by! Time to get it!
We grab a back to work!
quick bite . . .

Son, I want to call Of course,

a conference of all the they'll
Junior Executives! I've salute it,
got an idea I want t o Dad! They're
run up the flagpole and just a bunch
see if anybody salutes it! of spineless
"Yes-men"!
 Kaputnik Enterprises! I'll connect you! I AMY! FOR PETE'S SAKE, SHUT DOWN Now, maybe we can hear Alice? So—
• ' THE SWITCHBOARD! I DON'T WANT how this comes out without anyway—he
So I says, "I'll have you know I'm not ANY INCOMING CALLS FOR THE THE NEXT any more interruptions! grabs me
that kind of girl!" But that don't stop FIFTEEN MINUTES!! and...
him! He grabs me, and . . . Hold on . . .

Kaputnik Enterprises! I'll connect you!

I've got this Boss, see! He's And I work with this swell Our firm is expanding fast! Hello, Vicky! He's here,
a nice guy and all that! I've bunch of guys! But one's a And this means more work and I didn't all right,
got nothing against him! But bigger nut than the other! responsibility for me! Just notice—is but he hasn't
he should drop dead! Le'me Like today—blah—blah—blah! today—blah—blah—blah—blah! your husband left the
tell you what happened today! here tonight? office yet!
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!
— v —

Frankly, Very interesting, Bosworth! Well, Bosworth, ol'boy! You've Bosworth, you'll find a little
J.B., I I'd like to see you in my , got it made! Now that you're something extra in your pay envelope
don't office after the conference! going to be a Department Head, this week . . . mainly a little notice
like it. you can get that new jaguar! of dismissal! You're just not a

X 'Team-Man"! We have no room around

here for independent thinkers!

Hey, I just overheard the He wouldn't fire He wouldn't fire me! He wouldn't fire me! He wouldn't fire me! I guess it's me,
Boss saying that business me! I'm too I'm too valuable! I'm too valuable! I I'm too valuable! I'm then! I've got
is off, and he's gonna have valuable! He needs Nobody makes coffee get him discounts on the only one who can nothing going
to get rid of some of the me on the Company like I make coffee all the things he keep the Petty Cash for me except a
deadwood around here! Bowling Team! for the Coffee Breaks! buys . . . through my box straight! good Production
Brother-ln-Law! Record!
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART III
 5
AGE BEFORE BOOTY DEPT. *^ " o. re i
Whatever happened to the sleazy, slimy, ugly old crooks we used to know and love? Remember back in the
good old days—when bad guys looked like bad guys, and good guys looked like good guys? Well, today all
that has changed. F'rinstance, every week on TV, there's a group of cultured, refined and articulate
gentlemen who travel from continent to continent —robbing from the rich without ever getting caught. We
mean, of course, those well-dressed, well-mannered, well-heeled, roguish thieves who are known as . . .

THE ROOKS ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: STAN HART

Ask the girls of London... Ask the girls of Paris... Ask the girls of N e w Y o r k . . .

Ask a n y of t h e m w h a t they think of the "The Rooks".. . a n d they'll tell y o u .

•^aa^te^^i II III l nil HI i

And what do these dirty old men do for a living? They've banded together to form an Inter-
national Team specializing in "The Confidence Game"! And why have they done this? Because
they're too old to find any kind of honest work! Let's look in on their latest caper . . .

"THE FILLY AND THE FINK PHILATELIST" 43

 Cess ees a fanatic stamp collector who And Muscel has gotten word Yes, but Hmmm
owns the rare $100,000 "James Knox Polk to Cess that he knows where why is We like to get the plot I'm to pose
Postage Due" stamp with the "Mail Early" it is! Then he will arrange everybody out of the way quickly as a Stamp
cancellation. His main purpose in life with Mr. Cess to steal it! talking in these shows! Then it Collector!
ees to get the other Polk stamp with the And guess who he will steal so fast? doesn't interfere with That makes
"Pray For Peace" cancellation. That one it from? You, Sincere . . . the dull action! sense!
ees worth $250,000! Besides, I
knew James
Knox Polk
personally!

*•-- n
 Goodbye! No, you Tell me something, Of course! How w i, Doine , XNSC<S>
• — » • • . - a Doing
Remember, You mean must be St. Care, old boy! It ees a mattere silly of me! Simple! I am U what? Singing
boys—no we're so concerned Each week, we rob of Morality, But where do associated weeth weeth
violence! sophisticated with your people of hundreds Tommy! We you get money anothere group Mitch
we must be hearts! of thousands of always geev the to live on? of men my age Miller's
concerned You can't dollars! Yet, we money away to who 'ave jobs chorus!
with our take too never seem to the pretty niece! during the week! V&*
"images"? much have any money! Naturelment,
excitement! How come?

T? 8
thees makes the
stealing all right!
No? w

Ahh, M'sieur Cess—'ere ees the That's right, Mr. The picture
greatest stamp authority in the Cess! I guarantee Yeah? is actually
world! He 'as just examined the it is authentic! So of another
James Knox Polk stamp owned by The print on the Where's President-
M'sieur Sincere, and he 'as seen stamp says "James the Chester
the priceless error for himself! POLK KNOX!" error? Arthur Alan!

I gotta Because when So if you weel Great! Then we'll run off
have that I was a kid, give us your Wait with the $100,000
stamp! I'll my father $100,000 stamp, right stamp and teach
do anything never had we weel switch here! this nasty million-
to get it! time for me! it with Mr. I'll aire a lesson . . .
Since re's get it! namely that crime
$250,000 stamp! does so pay!
 Frankly, you puzzle me, Mr. Sincere! v^gggryw Because it's Actually, I can't • — — Who's talking
You sit there in your Harris Tweed Why should 110 degrees stand swimming pools! Then just don't about other
jacket, white flannel trousers, that The sight of an old look at other people! I
in the shade!
dress shirt and ascot. . . and you puzzle you, person walking around people! mean ME!
Why don't you

s seem so unconcerned!
7^
Miss Cess?
get into a
bathing suit?
exposing his flabby
wrinkles disgusts me!
 My poor, foolish child! What we have I got over it Ah-ha! I've found youse! You didn't get away with it! I Officer-
cannot last! It is but a thing of the before you suspected something when you said the picture on the arrest
moment! We have so little in common, finished the stamp was Chester Arthur Alan! You should have known the these
and you have your whole life ahead of second sentence! portrait was actually Franklin Roosevelt Delano! men!
you—a future that glows with hope and Whew—what a
promise! My dear, you'll get over it— BORE!
•
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III
 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS

MAD FOLD-IN
Several years ago, the Art World was invaded by
painters of soup cans and comic strip panels. They
called this junk "Pop Art." Now, another group of
idiots have come along with paintings of optical
illusions. They call this junk "Op Art." So where
do we go from here? Fold page in as shown and see

Artist and Writer:

Al Jaffee A^ FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT |B FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS " B "

STUDIES IN
ART and OPART

EMPTY-HEADED ART DABBLERS ASSUME THAT ANYTHING IN A FRAME

IS ART AS LONG AS IT HANGS IN SOME FANCY GALLERY. BIG
IMPRESSIVE PRICES LEND A PHONY PRESTIGE TO EACH ART MOVEMENT
 Photography by Irving "Sudsy" Schild

MAD's
Great Moments In Advertising
THE DAY THEY S H O T THE "TEN-FOOT-TALL W A S H I N G
MACHINE" COMMERCIAL IN A N 8-FOOT HIGH BASEMENT